Wonderful Counselor. Prince of Peace

Little by little I am trying to convince myself that this is real. Here I am at 11 weeks and I still feel like this is a dream. It is so weird to be pregnant after infertility. Good and wonderful! Just...weird. Because the pain that I felt from all those years is still with me. I still ache when I think back on my journey and I still hurt for those who are still going through it. I have made the announcement to several friends and my immediate family, but we still haven't made it public knowledge. I feel a little crazy, but I kind of don't want to let the secret out yet. I know that once I see my OB on Friday and get some reassurance I'll feel a little better, but I almost feel like the moment I tell everyone that something bad will happen. I know that is just Satan. It's silly to feel that way. I also think it's these hormones making me a little crazy-minded.

So...I'm inching along, week by week. Happy but still hurting for those with losses and "no's" and those who are still waiting. My mind is still very much here. Still very present with those who are hurting. I'm so thankful to be where I am and yet still praying God would let others be in this place with me. I'm so thankful. So aware that I am not worthy of this gift. So humbled. And I'm praying for others who will one day be in my place. Because I know that God is faithful. He will bring those yes's to those who are waiting! Have hope! Hold on! You are one day closer to God unveiling His plan! It is coming!

And here we are at Christmas and our trees are all beautfiul, and maybe you are hurting and aching for tiny presents to be under your tree. And I think about how that Christmas song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" That song makes me sad when I hear it because I think of all the people that are thinking this is NOT the most wonderful time of the year. And I think about what Christmas is really about. It's more than presents and hams and happy memories (those things are good! And we do celebrate with these things but it's not only these things) It's about a God who came to randsom a hurting and suffering people. The Israelites were enslaved for so many years and God sent His Son to set them free from captivity; to set us free from captivity. It may not feel like a very peaceful time of year for you. But there was nothing peaceful about the way Jesus was born really. It was sort of chaotic if you think about it! But that baby cried and the world at that moment was changed. And God became our canopy, refuge, and shelter from a world of chaos and pain. A loving God sent His son to be born a man so that he could rescue us from our suffering. That is what Christmas is about. Oh how I love Him! I LOVE Isaiah 9.

"But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish.
 He has made glorious the way of the sea, 

the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations.
The people who walked in darkness
   have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
   on them has light shined.
  You have multiplied the nation;
   you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you
   as with joy at the harvest,
   as they are glad when they divide the spoil.
For the yoke of his burden,
    and the staff for his shoulder,
   the rod of his oppressor,
   For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
   and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and of peace
    there will be no end." 

Have hope. He is faithful. There is no end to His peace.

IUI #3

I can't believe I am actually going to type these words....

I am pregnant.

*gasp*

Y'all. Seriously. I just do not know what to say. I know, even in the infertility world, that pregnancy announcements can sting. And I don't want to cause anyone pain. But I didn't want to be lame and just abandon my little blog after I have had people be so sweet to encourage me and let me be so candid about what we are going through. 

So...obviously I am not very far a long at all. I am 6 weeks 1 day. I just can't believe it's me posting this. I had been trying to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for another no. I even called my nurse the day before I found out to ask her what was coming next if this cycle was negative and she said we'd come in for a consultation and take a few months off and talk about options (which for us...this was pretty much the end of the line treatment wise).

At 15 dpiui on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. I NEVER test if I can help it so I am not sure why I even did it. I was convinced this cycle was a bust because I was cramping just like I always did at that point. But... it was my first ever BFP. I just stood there for the longest time shaking and saying, "Oh my God"

I know full well that I still have a LONG way to go. I know the Lord gives and takes away. I know all the "what if's" that can happen. But for today....I am pregnant. And I can't even believe it. We've told my family and a few close friends who knew about the IUIs but we will wait a while before announcing it to the world. I never thought I would be here. I prayed for it. I was hopeful some days. But I never could quite picture the "Yes" moment.

My first two betas were good.

18 dpiui 948
21 dpiui 3127

I had my first ultrasound this morning. My doctor wanted me to come in before 7 weeks because my levels were so high and they thought it could be twins (it's not). We were able to see the little heart beat flickering on the screen. I go in again in a couple weeks.

I am still in a bit of shock. I am so thankful. And I know that God is so good to do this. That's the natural (and proper) reaction when something like this happens is to praise Him for His goodness. But the thing I have been thinking about the past week or so since I found out and the thing I wanted to share here is that God was good in our infertility too. He has BEEN good. He is good now...yes. He is faithful and gracious...yes. But He was also good in the pain and tears. He would have been good had His answer been No again. And He will still be good if God forbid something happen with this pregnancy. I feel like that is the lesson He taught me all these years of going through this, is that He is good. No matter what. And He is enough. I can trust Him. And yes, this is easier to say now than it was then. But this is the hard truth of the gospel. God is good in times of blessing and in times of heartache.

It is hard to get out of this infertility-state-of-mind and be truly excited because of all that could happen. But I read something in my Beth Moore study last week that was so timely:

"God cares about you! He wants to show you what He can do with your life and your negative conditions, but He wants you to know without a doubt the He alone is the author of reversals. Wait like a watchman on the wall and when the first sign of reversal comes, don't dream of calling it a coincidence. Raise the roof with praise and ask the One who has begun a good work in you to complete it! He is not only glorified in through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating. "

So day by day I will celebrate. And I will never for one second forget this journey or those who still walk it. It has got to be one of the hardest things a woman has to bear and I am forever marked by my time here. My prayer is that God would use this for His glory. That maybe, through the heartache, you would be encouraged by this  (though I know sometimes it's just impossible to feel good about someone else's pregnancy. Totallllly get it). My prayer is that He would finish the work He's begun in each of us.

So for now, I am taking things a day at a time. Being thankful for each moment of nausea and each reminder that this is real. He is faithful. He can move mountains. Praise you, Lord.

" You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever." 

Psalm 30:11-12

Resoloution

I texted with my friend yesterday and things seem to be resolved. She said that she had announced it at her house on a night when she thought I was there but wasn't (?) and then it just didn't come  up and she figured I would ask when I was ready (also ??). But she did apologize and she realized that she messed up by not telling me. I was able to act waaaaaaay less upset than I actually was because in all honesty I didn't want to make her feel bad. She told me she was over thinking it and didn't want to be all in my face about it. To which I told her that I WANT to know the big things. I want to be involved. It is just hard for me to know what to ask. I told her the name she picked was beautiful and tried to be good friend about it. It still hurts a little. I just hope things are not awkward when I have to see her tonight :(

I know this is not a big deal. It's just not. But my hormones say it IS a big deal. Sometimes I just really hate what this IF journey is doing to me. There ARE a lot of benefits, as I am learning to surrender my will and be willing to ask for God's will instead. I am learning to be more compassionate. Sometimes, though, it seems like the bad outweighs the good. I know this isn't true. It just feels true sometimes.

A few more days left in my 2ww. I have got some major gas cramps (or something) going on! My tummy hates me right now. Trying to stay hopeful and at rest.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul for the LORD has been good to you." Ps 116:7

"May the God of Hope fill you up with joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you will overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Ps 139:12

So Frustrated

Granted, I have never been pregnant, but isn't it a special thing to announce your baby's name to your family and close friends? Isn't it common curtacy to tell your best friends what you are naming your child before putting it on say...pinterest? I get that my friend doesn't want to make a big to-do about announcing her baby's name. But I just feel kind of hurt that she didn't tell me. I know for a fact that she told some of her other close friends.

This is also a bit silly of me to be upset about, but before she got pregnant again she told me that if she had a girl she would name the middle name after me. And now she isn't. Fine. Whatever. But I wish she wouldn't have told me that. She may not even remember saying that to me as we had had a few drinks that night. But still...I know she was at least considering it. I don't give a rip if she doesn't name her baby after me at all. It's the fact that she told me she was going to.

As you can tell I am a little bit upset about it right now. I probably shouldn't be. But it just sucks because things between us had been going so well for the last couple of weeks. We have both had the year from hell and it's been a battle to maintain this friendship when the easy thing to do would be to go our separate ways. But I just feel as though she does not consider me her best friend anymore. She's had this baby's name picked out for over a week and has not told me. It just hurts my feelings. Maybe I just need to toughen up and not let it bother me. I KNOW I have to let it go or else it will eat me alive. I have worked so hard at being happy for her and fighting feelings of bitterness and jelousy and this just doesn't help. I just wonder what her thought process was. Was it
a.) she didn't want to upset me
b.) she didn't even think to tell me
c.) she just doesn't want to tell me because she thinks I won't react in an excited way

Now I don't really know what to do. Do I tell her that I found out? Do I wait for her to tell me and then act surprised? Or do I wait for her to tell me and tell her that I found out online? 

I don't know. What I do know is that my heart hurts.

I find out this weekend if IUI #3 was successful or not. At least I'll be at home again to grieve if it's a no.

sorry for the downer post!

Not My Will but Yours be Done

I left my phone in my car during my ultrasound appointment this morning or I would have taken a picture of the screen after my nurse left (the screen that shows the size and number of my little follies). I could not believe how many I had. Granted, a lot of them are on the small side, but still! Go follistim go. My nurse seemed pretty pleased with the results in between the awkward small talk during which she's inspecting my bajango.

magic wand goes in. nurse:  "So how was your weekend?"

me: "Oh...ya know...good. How was yours"

nurse: "Oh this looks good. This one's 14. Oh it was good I went and visited my fiance..."

Here are my folliles:

Rt 1   13.7

Rt 2   15.4

Rt 3     6.9

Rt 4   10.6

Lft 1      9.3

Lft 2    10.5

Lft 3    15.7

Lft 4      9.5

Lft 5      7.4

Lft 6    12.0

She said her guess is that we will continue meds for a few days and the IUI will probably be sometime soon. I said, "Yeah and I am only on day 10 too right?" and she said "no, day 12". But...for real...I'm on day 10. IDK how she got 12? Maybe she is confused. But I know for sure that I started my period 10 days ago. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter? Maybe when she calls I'll tell her.

Another thing. After writing that last woe is me post I talked to my nurse a little bit about being totally overwhelmed and devastated nervous about this being my "last chance IUI" and she seemed to make it sound like that was not the case at all. She said something about me being a long way from being done and that my doctor would never do anything or decide anything without talking to me first. She said that I don't need to be nervous and that we have a ways to go before IVF. But that confuses me because she told me last cycle that "Dr H. wants to do a couple of injectible cycles and if those are not successful then we will talk about IVF" So this is my second IUI with injectibles so in my mind this is it. The last cycle before they want me to move on. Now she tells me I am a long way from IVF? I just want to know what's next and right now I have no clue what is next if this cycle doesn't work. I guess only time will tell. I imagine we will have a consultation?

Well, it is a beautiful day here in the south. I pray God sustains me through this IUI cycle and that He will be glorified no matter what the outcome. Praying and hoping for the impossible while also praying for God's will and surrendering all things to Him...that's a hard thing to balance. But that's my prayer...

It's this:

"God is not intimidated by our long shot request but is insulted when we do not ask Him to do things worthy of His divine nature..."

Coupled with this:

"Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done."

God, opening my womb may be a long shot request. Asking you to allow me to bear a healthy living child may seem impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult or impossible for you. I ask you for a baby, Lord. But I also want your will more than anything. And you know what is best for me and my family. I ask you in faith knowing you are able, but knowing the miracle may come in a way I do not expect. I ask you for this IUI to be our time. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

IUI #2 is a No

I am one cycle away from my doctor telling me it is time to consider IVF. I  have mixed emotions about this. My natural reaction is to feel devastated and overwhelmed. But the Spirit inside my heart tells me to be quiet and trust. To rest. It's so hard not to give in to the hurt and the pain. I was sort of hopeful for this cycle simply because I was so dag-um nauseated like every day. I guess the good news is that I started on time. And I started on Satruday which gave me plenty of time to grieve and cry all day.  I had 30 day cycle which is nice. I am afraid I may have a cyst but if I do I guess that's just God's way of giving me a break. We know the RE wants to try "a couple of injectible cycles" so I have one more. I do not know what he will say at the consultation if this next cycle is unsuccessful. I don't feel ready to  be at this point. I'm not ready to accept the end of our treatment journey. I'm not ready to stop trying. But IVF is out of our financial reach. We are lucky (blessed) to even be able to do these IUIs. I just can't believe it has come to this. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this place. Facing the painful day when my doctor tells me there is no hope.

Of course I know that God is not limited by my body or by this "one last shot". I know he can do the impossible. It's just hard to be in this place. It's hard to accept that I may never conceive my own child. But I know that what God is asking me to do is to surrender that dream to him. He wants me to willingly accept all he gives me and all he choses to withhold. If it is "over" I know he has something better planned. But right now it's just hard to see what could be better than bearing my own child. I know He is faithful. I know He will bring beauty from these ashes. And when I am resting in Him I can see that. It's hard to remain in that place though and not be carried away by this darkness. To a scary place of death and sorrow. But thankfully the dark is light to Him. I know He is good. He is good.

This is my memory verse right now:

" Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence." Hosea 6:1-3

Waiting for the day.

IUI #2 is scheduled

IUI #2 is now on the calender! September 22, 2011

That means the day I find out good or bad news is also on the calender. Esh. Well. Maybe I won't think about it too much. Quiet heart. Quiet heart.So here's the schedule this time:

Monday: Last Follitism shot (yay!!) and a little bd.
Tuesday: (Today!): ovidrel trigger at 10 p.m
Wednesday: obstaining, relaxing, nothing else to do! Except I want to get one last good run in before I have to take it easier. And watch 24 of course.
Thursday: Husband's part 8:00 a.m. Then IUI at 10 a.m Remember. Ask for the "long narrow" speculum!
Thursday night we head out of town and will get a little post-IUI-hotel-action lol.
Friday: Nuthin
Saturday: 1/2 a dose of Ovidrel @ 10 p.m (weird. Has anybody else heard of doing another trigger after the IUI?)

I had two follicles this go 'round. As of yesterday, cycle day 11, I had a 19 mm on the right and a 14 mm on the left. So they have some time to grow. She said my lining looked great. And I had a freaking ton of cervical mucus yesterday (just for the record... I hate the word mucus. ew.)

All in all this was a TMI post! Sorry about that!

A Quiet Heart

There are so many ways to describe how painful infertility is and yet, often times, words seem to fall so very short. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head but I am almost at a loss. I feel like words don't even do it justice. I'm am thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us at times like this.  I have a long overdue talk planned tomorrow with the preggo bff. It’s been a rough month for both of us and the distance between us has increased significantly. I was thinking of what I need to say to her tomorrow and there are so many different things I could say. Do I explain in detail how hard it’s been? Do I use words like “perpetual heartache” or “my emotions are in shambles”? Do I explain about Femera? Do I tell her about wrestling with God’s sovereignty? Every time I try to think up something to say it just doesn't seem like enough. I know I can’t talk about my anger and bitterness towards her. That’s not her fault anyway and she doesn’t deserve to worry about my bitterness. So what is the most important thing to say? How does one decide what is best to say out of the millions of possibilities? Bottom line? The Holy Spirit has got some speaking to do through me! I just can't do it in my own strength. That's all there is to it. He is going to have to lead me and I am going to have to give him full reign to do so. He has GOT to give me words that can heal and bring peace to this friendship that has been put through hell the past two years. My prayer yesterday (when I had to see her for the first time in a while) was just, "Do it Lord. Do it Lord. You have to be my words. You have to be everything."

These are things I thought about as I read Scripture this morning and read through a host of Elizabeth Elliot devos. That woman.  Good gracious. She is SO anointed. Praise God for her. She has a way of saying things straight to my soul and they just click.  What I came away with this morning was this strong desire to have a quiet heart. To have a quiet trust before the Lord that no matter what...even if He never gives me children that I will be ok, He is good, He is faithful, and He will take care of me.  Maybe that’s what I should say. I’m not sure. But of two things I am certain: 1. I will have a dozen fake conversations with her in my mind before then and 2. It will not be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my mind. We just have to talk through some of the awkwardness. And we both love Jesus and want to love and serve each other so I know it will be ok. If he can calm the turbulent sea (see below) he can certainly calm my anxious heart and heal a deep friendship.

I will leave you with what I wish I had written: a few snippets from Ms. Elisabeth Elliot. I can’t wait to meet her in heaven.

“I have been watching the sea--very turbulent this morning because of a tropical storm
hundreds of miles away--and I remember Him whose word was enough to calm it. Speak that word to me today, dear Lord: peace. Let your calm spirit, through the many potentially rough minutes of
this day, in every task, say to my soul, Be still. Even this day's chaos, with all its clutter and exertion, will be ordered by your quiet power if my heart is subject to your word of peace. Thank You, Lord.

Jesus slept on a pillow in the midst of a raging storm. How could He? The terrified disciples, sure that the next wave would send them straight to the bottom, shook Him awake with rebuke. How could He be so careless of their fate? He could because He slept in the calm assurance that His Father was in control. His was a quiet heart. Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. Jesus in the unbroken intimacy of His Father's love, kept a quiet heart. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5 NIV). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned.  As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace. 

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV). Think of that promise and keep a quiet heart! Our enemy delights in disquieting us. Our Savior and Helper delights in quieting us. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" is His promise (Is 66:13, NIV). The choice is ours. It depends on our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers. The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.

We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man.”

Side note: if any of you have any advice for how to survive your best friend being pregnant (again) please let me know!! 

A Big Box and a Dream

Ok so I had NO idea how big my box of meds would be when the pharmacy said they were going to overnight it to me. They sent me 3 cartridges of Follitism, 2 ovidrel, and 2 ganirelix, the disposable needle thing, another follitism pen, some yummy smell-good Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer, and a little pink slip that said, "We would love for you to send us a picture of your baby to encourage patients who come to our office who also struggle with infertility." Which I thought was kind of sweet :) Thanks for being so confident that I will get pregnant pharmaceutical company!

 I told them to send it to my office at work since I wasn't sure what time it would arrive and I didn't want it to be left outside at my house. Well, my boss brings this huge box back to my office and I was like Oh no! Please don't check the shipping address! Haha. If he did I'm sure he was very confused.

I gave myself my first follitism pen shot last night. 50 IU. I made husband watch me so he could see how tough I am. ha. It was pretty easy once I got through it. I think I have got the hang of it now.

My mom also emailed me this morning and told me she wanted to pay for my next IUI. It made me want to cry. I told her we were good for this round and she said she would put her “grandbaby money” in a sock. Lol. She’s so sweet. She also told me that she had a dream last night that I announced my pregnancy at my friend's gender reveal party (which in real life was last week and I did not go). In the dream I was going to put the ultrasound DVD in and it was going to tell if I was pregnant or not. Dream mom and dad had to leave early from the party before my big news and I was very upset. Mom was fussing at my dad for making them leave so they returned to the dream party and I was happy again. We popped in the DVD and she said that no one could see anything on it and we are all confused. The End.

Sounds pretty accurate. Infertility is one confusing dream!
So I go in Monday for a scan and we will then schedule IUI#2

Until next time!

Here we go...Injectibles

I have now entered the wonderful world of injectibles. I got my Follistim Pen this morning and have already watched my instructional DVD. My scan looked good this morning. No left over follicles/cysts this cycle!! Praise the Lord. I was ready to turn down some bcp (because I just don't feel like having breakthrough bleeding for another two weeks straight!) But thankfully I didn't have to. I am just waiting on my blood-work call back and instructions on when to do what and how.

my new friend & coconut moca

How do I feel about all of this? Idk yet. Pretty good I guess. When I heard the words "Could increase your chance of multiples by a little bit." I smiled on the inside. Not that I necessarily want that...I know how risky it can be with little twin babies (not to mention more than that) and I wouldn't want to be a basketcase my entire pregnancy...but twins? That would be kind of cool.

Husband and I went walking through Wal-mart at 9:00 last night to get him some ice-cream (he's such a cutie pants) and I said, "Babe, do you think we should pray about whether we should do an IUI again this cycle?" and without even hesitating he said "Well, I don't even have to pray about it much. I think we should do it. Let's do it."  Not that he meant he didn't want to pray about it, he was just really confident that that's what we need to do. I love when he gets all determinded like that. I told him Friday night that I started this blog a while back and that I had four girls who leave me sweet comments sometimes and he was impressed by that! So thanks!

He also randomly said "Let's be foster parents" last night and my heart almost stopped. We have, of course, been praying about adoption and have had a few conversations about foster parenting and every time I think about it I can't really breathe. I don't really have a desire to do that, but part of me wonders if God could be calling us to that. I can't imagine bringing a 5 year old into our lives. I wouldn't even know where to begin with a little kid! I mean...raising one "from scratch" is one thing; learning as we go...but to just jump in with a kid? And then the possibility of them getting taken away. Scary! I know that God will equip us to do what He calls us to do. The thought just terrifies me at the moment. We know we want to adopt eventually. I just wonder if that is what we will do instead of having our own. But those are questions my heart will not have an answer to for a while. Until then I am learning to trust little by little. I am so hungry for God to give me peace about my infertility. I'm tired of wrestling over it. But part of me wants to just rest because I wonder if THEN God will bless us with a child (see how wacko my mind is sometimes?). Like I could ever formulate a solution to something so out of my hands. It's just my attempt to grasp at some sort of control.

Ok two things. 

First is this song I heard over the weekend. You may have heard it. Strong Enough my Matthew West:



And the second is some awesome guys who do cover songs. Michael Henry and Justin Robinett. Their harmony is crazy good. Go watch all of their videos for reals!! This one looks like it might be one of their first ones but their videos get better. If I Die Young is also a good one. But I just like this one for some reason! Very...very much different from the Matthew West song. lol. *be sure to watch the dog in the background!*

Happy Monday!

Take Me To You

I feel so much better today. Thank y'all for your sweet encouragement. It is just a battle to handle these crazy emotions. I feel much more hopeful today. One day at a time. And it's as if the weather copies my mood. Or maybe it's the other way around. It's been so dreary lately and today it is a BEAUTiful day. I'm so thankful for the peace that follows such hard days -- for peace in the middle of the storm.

I wrote this little poem the other day on one of my hard days. It really captures the battle going on in my soul. Feeling like I am sinking so far but doing all that I can to reach out for God to hold me up.

I hope He encourages you today in legit ways.

Hold me up I am sinking
Lower and under beneath me 

Hold me close I am shaking 

Don't want to move forward please take me 

Take me home

Give me peace

I surrender

Take the weight 

off my chest 

And remember

Each step is a step in the valley

Each shadow I see overwhelms me

But I'm not alone you're surrounding 

So I will not fear. Please take me

Take me home

Give me peace

I surrender

Take the weight 

off my chest 

I remember

 In you I am whole and complete

In you I have all that I need 

So take me

Please take me 

 To you

Negatory

I feel like somebody has punched me in the stomach. Today I am 16 days past IUI and I took my first pregnancy test in like 6 months. I got my hopes up SO much this time. It's just so hard. So I tested this morning and it was negative. Which...this far out....16 days after...that's pretty accurate. The reason I got so hopeful [and entered the danger zone of picturing that positive test...pictureing telling my husband and family...picturing myself running to the store to buy something] is because I didn't have very many cramps this 2ww. Idk why I let myself read into symptoms on a medicated cycle. I should know better by now. Damn. So now, of course, I am feeling veeeerry much like I'm about to start. I mean, it's coming any second now. And I have one lone tampon here at work. And do you want to know the most messed up part of all of this? My friend is finding out the sex of her baby today and having a big party tomorrow night. I can't even go to it. :( I even thought "Ooo! Maybe if I'm pregnant I can go to the party now!" Not.

And I said (and I still mean it) that I would love God and serve him anyway and just keep going. But it hurts so bad. I just feel numb. Hallow. I can't even cry an ugly cry right now b/c i'm so angry that this has happened again. I am not where some of you other IVF warriors are, but I feel I am headed that way. And we can't afford IVF. So a few more IUIs and we're probably done. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it have to feel so unfair? I know that nobody is guaranteed anything in life. That's just the way it goes. But why do I have to be around pregnant friends all the time? My only friend in this town is pregnant and I just feel so lonely. Isolated. And I have shut her out pretty much. It's just so painful to be around her. I struggle so much with bitterness towards her and it's not her fault.

My mom texted me that she was praying Psalm 27 for me so I read that before I tested. I should've known that would be a sign because the last verse is, "Wait for the LORD;  be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." More waiting. Great. I know I must sound so bitter this morning. I'm sorry about that to anybody who comes across this. And for future me who will go back and read this. It's just a raw, low moment.

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me."

Psalm 13

oh the hormones

Does Femera make anyone else crazy? I thought I was finished with the crazyness caused by Clomid and had heard side effects of femera are way less intense,. Maybe they are and I just had an off week. I was a hormonal mess this past week, into the weekend. I finally started feeling more myself on Sunday and feel a lot better today.

I don't want to blame my issues on the medicine but I was literally: paranoid, anxious, stressed, weepy, frustrated, ill as a hornet, and way more jelous and bitter toward my preggo friend. When I get like this I tend to shut everyone out. I stop answering emails, texts, and am a pro at the silent treatment.

Lord help us all who are drugged up and irrationally lashing out to the world at large!

In other news I survived week one the 2ww. Just barely obviously. haha. One more week to go. I always find the second week to be worse. But after my week last week it can only go up from here. I mean seriously!

IUI #1

Ouch. I think that sums up this post. I don't know what is wrong with me , but for some reason speculums hurt me sooooo so bad. I know they hurt everyone, but I have had the worst time with those blasted things. She started out using the small one anyway but it just felt like she was scrapping my insides out. I tried so hard to stay relaxed so she could do it, and she said she could see my cervix, but she just couldn't get it open good I guess without me clinching up too much. (Sorry tmi). My poor sweet husband was holding my hand but I think he was about to pass out! Well, she said she had another small speculum that was narrower so she went and got that one and then within 10 seconds the whole thing was done! She showed me on the screen as she injected the sperm and just like that...it was over. I even said "That's it?" They said "yep! getting there is the hardest part."

Rewind.

I took Femera this cycle and Triggered Sunday morning. I was pretty nervous this morning. I was just praying and listening to Hillsong and trying not to worry. Robert came to my work to pick me up and we got to the appointment 15 minutues early. We flipped through magazines and talked some. Our spirits were pretty high. We got called back and now you are caught up to the ouch part.

Afterwards she had me lay there for five minutes then we left. Bless husbands heart. He hated seeing me in pain so he was sweating up a storm! We laughed so hard as we got on the elevator at his sweat stained shirt. He's so sweet. I don't think he really expected it to hurt me that bad. He kept saying "Are you ok now? Does it still hurt?" I was like "Dude. If we do ever have a baby you're not even going to be able to be in the room with me!" haha.

So, now I'm back at work talking to you lovelies. Whoever you may be out there. :) All in all it wasn't too bad. But dangit. Am I the only one with speculum issues? My nurse told me to, from now on, ask for the "Long Narrow" speculum. long narrow. long narrow. Got it. For the rest of my life I will ask for the long narrow.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot one of the best parts! Husband's sperm count was 58 million!! I was so excited. Aaaaaaas was he. lol.

One last thing. Do any of you struggle with who to tell what to when you do procedures like this? I told my mom but only because she kept asking when my next appointment was (from Friday) and how the appointment went. Same thing with one of my bff's. Only she didn't ask how it went Friday so I didn't tell her we were doing this today. It's just... I don't want them knowing the exact moment I could conceive. Because then they are going to be expecting a call from me in two weeks. I just feel like it puts a lot of pressure on me. And sometimes I don't want to give them updates on my appointments ya know? I just don't want to say the words. Is that just me? I guess it's a double edged sword. Because on the one hand, I want the prayers and support. But on the other hand, I also want some kind of privacy. IDK what it is about the IUI that made me want to go into hiding from my closest friends and family. It's not much different from all the other cycles when they knew I was on my "fertile days." I guess this is just a different level now?

In any case, I'm just glad this one is over. Now the 2ww begins. Woo freakin hoo. Lord let these two weeks pass quickly!

On the ride back from the doctor this song came on. It makes me smile :) And very fitting for today.

My First Upcoming IUI

I was not expecting any mature follicles at my appointment this morning. Since my cycle felt kinda screwy from the birth control (I had two lovely weeks of breakthrough/withdrawal bleeding.) I took the Femera but it was on like the 12th day I was bleeding so I didn't really think my body would do anything. BUT... I had one follicle that was about 17. I had several smaller ones on the left side but the one on the right was the dominant one. I keep seeing things on blogs about girls being really upset that they don't have more than one mature follicle. So I asked my nurse if it was bad and she said no. She said it eliminates the chances of twinning but that it only decrees the chances of conceiving by a teeny tiny bit. Is that right? Is that only for IVF that they want you to have lots of mature follicles? Confused. So she said her guess would be that we will trigger tomorrow and then do IUI on Monday. Just waiting for bloodwork results and she will tell me What When How and Why.

So...I guess the next time I update maybe I will have already had the IUI? Yikes. I'm nervous. I had a good cry when I got to work this morning. Just cause...I guess I'm just dreading that 2ww and the end result. I dread feeling that way again. BUT...after feeling freaked out and worried I listened to The One Who Saves by Hillsong on repeat for about 45 minutes while I looked up verses in the Bible about "His love endures forever" And I just cried over Psalm 107. It will be ok. My very breath is in His hands.

 

"His love endures. Forever His love endures forever and ever."

Do I look miserable? All the time?

I feel like my ability to hold it together in public especially around babies and young kids is getting worse. I am the kind of person who tries so hard to hide how I am feeling but it always comes across on my face. I can be trying my hardest to fight off looks of anger, jealousy, discomfort, and awkwardness from my face but it never fails that I look miserable. My parents, friends, and now husband can ALWAYS tell if something is wrong with me. I am not wanting to be a fake person or anything,  but I at dinners with our friends who are pregnant or at church where there are moms with toddlers I feel like I walk in the room and the air disappears. I get all stiff looking and just look terribly uncomfortable. I try to smile but my face feels weird. I feel like there is a flashing sign above my head that says "Bitter Infertile" I think part of it too is that I feel self-conscious around the people who do know (that we are struggling with infertility) who see me around littles. I feel like they are watching how I'm going to react. Sucks. It's like as soon as a comment is made about pregnancy or babies my face automatically shows that I am struggling.  How do y'all deal with this? How do you force a smile and act somewhat decent around these people without leaving them wondering what was wrong with you? And it's not that I don't want to be real with people. I just don't want to burst into tears and talk about it at someone's birthday dinner ya know? eesh. Help me Lord.

Sarah's Laughter

I came across this Infertility and Child Loss support site yesterday and I really liked it. You can sign up for daily devotional emails about infertility and loss. I got my first one this morning and it was really good! You can also send in prayer requests to their prayer team. I thought I would pass it on in case some of you had never heard of it.

Click Here

He Is My Hope

Ok I am going to try and write a much less depressing post today! Haha. I got a call from one of my RE nurses yesterday to update me on our next treatment plan. I will say this one negative thing and then hush. You know that feeling (especially if you're bad at math like I am) where you are trying so hard to understand something that you start to tear up because you're so frustrated that you don't understand? That was me on the phone with the nurse yesterday. I get so flustered sometimes  when I try to ask questions and understand, even though I have great, sweet nurses. I think, because they do this for a living, they sometimes assume we know things or have already talked to us about certain things and they haven't. So here's where we are:

- They are changing my medicine form Tomoxifen to Femera in hopes that maybe I can produce more than one mature follicle.
- We ARE going to do IUI this cycle if all works out. This will be my first one and I'm a little really nervous!
- I will start the Femera on Wednesday and then go in for ultrasound Next Friday.
- She told me to call and see if I would be covered for injectibles (which are apparently really really expensive) and I AM!! So that is reeeeeally great news. I was so happy to hear the lady say "Yep, looks like you would just have to pay a $50 copay." I wanted to reach thru the phone and give her a high five. IUI is not covered but at least the injectibles are.
- So my doctor is suggesting that we consider doing injectibles soon if this IUI is unsuccessful.

I had a good long cry with the husband last night. He is just the greatest, most supportive man. I am so blessed to have him. I watched these videos that are floating around the infertility blogs lately and it made me so thankful that my husband is not so much like Neil. haha He just lets me cry and he believes so much that it's going to happen.  God uses him in such a big way to give me hope. I also had a good long cry with God. It was raining when I left work so when I got home I just sat in the driveway in the rain and just bawled to him. I love how He lets me have these moments with him and He is patient with me. Then it was just really sweet because I just told him all the things I know are true.

"I know you love me. I  know you hate this for me. I know you want me to have a baby so badly. I know you are walking with me. I know you are faithful. I know one day somehow I will  be a mother."  

And just saying these things to Him did so much for my soul. He gave me that peace I needed. And I praise Him for that. He is my hope in the land of infertility. He is good.

When it's someone else

Another friend anounced her pregnancy on Facebook not too long ago. I'd known for several weeks before she posted the news, but something about her saying it to the world makes it so much more official. And I literally struggle to take a breath. I was reading through all her congrats comments (like an idiot) and realized I was not breathing. I was holding my breath. When you are literally holding your breath as you are on facebook I think that's a good sign that it's time to take a break. So I have not been on since and don't plan on getting back on this month.

I am happy for my friend. Happy that she gets to experience motherhood. But her joy is like a knife to my heart. And that makes me so mad. I want to be completely happy for her. Another thing is that she wrote a blog post about how faithful God is to allow her to be a mother. And that's great. But it makes every good positive thought and truth that God has been trying to teach me be washed away with "Why is God not faithful to ME!?" It just hurts so much. The thought that God is blessing other people and saying no to me. I know that I have to trust him. I have to "Fear Not" and trust that he is a loving dad who wants good things for his little flock. But why on earth do I feel so betrayed? It just stinks, this journey. I know God can and will bring good from it. I know this is a result of living in a cursed and fallen world. And I know that He will make it right one day. I even know that some people are just called to a hard life. But knowing all that doesn't make the pain go away. The only thing that eases the pain is the supernatural peace and hope that God gives me when I surrender to Him. The pain is still there. But at least I'm not alone in it.

Oh Jesus please come. Please get me through this time. Please be with other girls out there going through this hell on earth. Bless us with children Father. We so want to be mothers. Please come. Please. You see our tears. You love us. You are faithful. Burn this truth deep into our souls as we hurt. When it's a friend and not us comfort us on every side. Bring peace.

RE Appointment

Bonus to being Hannah (from the Bible) she didn't have to sit in a cold doctor's office under a thin paper sheet waiting for the nurse to come in to have a vaginal ultrasound.

Downside to being Hannah she probably would have appreciated all the technology and intervention we have today (after being totally weirded out by it at first).

I had another RE appointment this morning. Bright and early at 7 am. My only upside for enduring such early appointments is that I get to go to starbucks afterward and I get to work early so I get to leave a little early. But *yawn* I'm tired!

The appointment was fine. At first she scared me because she was like, "Sweetie, I'm not seeing too much on here." But then I reminded her that I had been taking birth-control to make a leftover cyst/follicle go away and she said "Oh! Right! I forgot to look at your chart. Well, in that case everything is looking exactly as it's supposed to. Quiet." She said my lining looked good (8mm). So normally I would stop the bc right away and get back on my fertility drugs but since I am going on vacation next week she said I could wait until the end of my vacay to stop the bc. Because who wants to be on their period on the beach? I told her it's also been a little nice to have a break from the constant worry and tracking of my cycle. 3 weeks off would have, in the past, completely bummed me out. I would have been thinking "We can't waste a single day!" And I still want to get going with IUI, but once we have gone there, if it doesn't work...that's it for me. So...waiting 3 weeks now...I'm just delaying getting to that point by a few weeks. What positive thinking huh? haha. I've been struggling with thinking it's just never going to happen. I know that fear is not from God.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday called, "Today is the Day" It was such an encouraging song. I've heard it before but I was so grabbed by it on my way home. I am determined to believe that God is faithful and not worry about tomorrow. Sometimes it's good just to declare the things you know are true. It helps my heart to hang on to the truth.

"I won't worry about tomorrow. 

I'm giving you my fears and sorrows. 

Where you lead me I will follow 

I'm trusting in what you say
Today is the day."

Someday?

Sometimes the thought of never ever being able to have a child makes me not be able to breathe. The thought overwhelms me. Because when I started out on this journey I always thought,

"Someday." 

Surely SOMEDAY it will happen. But I have yet to fully come to terms with the fact that it might not. God's plan A could be that we were never meant to conceive and raise biological children. But that thought is absolutely heartbreaking to me right now. I  know adoption is a miracle in itslef and that very well may be God's plan for my family. But the thought of never bearing children almost seems like a death sentance to me. I have thoughts like

"How could I ever be happy?"  and "How will life ever be good again?

I know that the answer is that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. It is Him that fulfills me not a child. I know it is not the crown achievement of womanhood to conceive and give birth to a living healthy baby. But society and my own heart makes it seem like it is. I feel so "behind" everyone else in my life. I dread Christmas and birthdays. I dread hanging out with my friends who have children. Because I feel so disconnected from them and from the rest of society. I feel like I have done something wrong and that I am broken.

I am terrified that God is going to make an example out of me. That he is going to say no again and again. I know it is for my good and for His glory, but that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make my loss insignificant or the grief process any easier. It's not that I want to fight God on this. I want rest. I want peace. But this desire for a child is so so huge. I know I must sacrifice this desire as an offering to Him. But it's so hard. Especially some days. So how does one do that? Day after day? Say,

"It's yours Lord. Your will be done."   

When does someday get here?

Just a few thoughts bouncing around in my head this morning.

Our Story

Our story is much like any other newly married couple. If I could've gotten pregnant on my honeymoon I think that would've been ok with me.  I have always wanted to have a lot of kids and my dream is to be a stay at home mommy. When we decided to start trying to conceive two years ago I thought it would happen within six months or so. Definitely in a year. But the year mark came and went. I wish now that I would've immediately requested to be referred to an RE but didn't know any better so I was "treated" by my OB for about 6 months before we got referred. I did 5 rounds of clomid until I just couldn't take it anymore and decided not to take it that 6th month. My diagnosis is that I do not ovulate on my own and I also discovered I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). My HSG came back clear and the husband’s sperm was normal. But not one positive pregnancy test.

So I was referred to the RE in the spring of this year and I began fertility drugs again (this time tomoxifen with Ovidrel trigger shot). My body would sike itself up to ovulate but then I wouldn't...thus the trigger shot.  It looked like I ovulated those 3 times but 2 times i had a leftover follicle or cyst. The first time it was not secreting hormones so we went ahead with the drugs. This second time, however, it WAS secreting hormones and so I am currently taking birth control to make it go down/go away. So my cycle is kind of on pause right now. After that we will begin the wonderful journey of IUI. I'm not really nervous about the procedure. I'm more nervous that it won't work. We do not make a lot of money so it's not like we can afford to do tons of them. We are still praying about what we would do if IUI doesn't work. I'm pretty sure IVF is out for us simply because if we are going to spend that much money on something, we'd like it to go toward adoption b/c we only have one shot. So we are facing the scary decision of having to stop treatments. Maybe it won't come to that. But it might. I know way too much about what could happen...how many women have gone down this road before me and come to the end devestated.

recap:
25 months TTC
Tried for 12 months on our own
saw ob at 12 months who said anovulation + hypothyroidism
Started Synthroid for thyroid immediately and began taking Clomid
5 rounds of Clomid - felt AWFUL on it.
Referred to RE and took 3 rounds of tomoxifen +HSG trigger (BFN)
left over follicle this month...taking birth control to force it to go away
next step IUI

When I type it all out like that it just seems...I don't know, smaller than it felt. These past two years have been a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions, grief, misery, mourning, and trying to maintain some kind of hope. I was in shock for a long time and was truly in denial that I was infertile. In the beginning it was just such a nightmare. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. It was as if I would float outside my body and think "Am I really going through that?"  But I always tried to rationalize "Surely God won't make me go through this for _____ that long. Fill in the blank. Surely I will be pregnant by Christmas.

"Wouldn't that be so special Lord!? To tell my family I am pregnant for Christmas?! ”I would pray.

But Christmas came and I put a smile on my face while I opened presents with my family, but on the inside I was dying. I was so heartbroken and hurt that God would put me through this when I loved him so much. Often times when I cry out to God in anger, frustration, bitterness, and heartache sometimes the only words I can form are, "It hurts!" or "How much LONGER God!?" 

It has been a hard, long road thus far. And the thing that makes it so hard is that I could very well have a freaking long road ahead of me. And I dread that. I just don't want to do this anymore! I have good days and bad weeks. I have times when I am not in the two week wait where I can think clearly and have perspective, but the hard days are just so dark. Sometimes the deep sadness is so overwhelming and I just sink into it and get so far down in a pit of despair. And a lot of times God is quiet. And that frustrates me too. All He'll say to me is "Trust Me." But...I mean, it's not like I have been seeking I’m perfectly like I should. Some days I am desperate for him to even be able to get up and go to work. But other days I'm just kind of tired of it. Ya know? Same story. Same hurt. Another day.

So much of my journey so far has been just plain hard. That's why there's not a lot of pretty going on in this post. It's just been hard. But in an attempt not to end this story on a sad note, I will say that the verses that have meant the most to me are Lamentations 3 and Job. I have been reading through Job for several months. And there have been so many occasions where God has spoken to me through blogs and devotions... I will say this. Our stuff is not too big for God. Our tantrums when we start...Our depression...our rants and bitterness...our big speeches to God full of things like "what the HECK are you DOING!!? Where ARE you!?" None of it is too much for Him. Tell him how you feel. He can take it. He's been so so patient with me these past two years and I praise him for that. One devotion that meant so much to me was one by Elizabeth Elliot. I want to paste it here:

Title: The Desires of My Heart

I had been praying for something I wanted very badly. It seemed a good thing to have, a thing that would make life even more pleasant than it is, and would not in any way hinder my work. God did not give it to me. Why? I do not know all of his reasons, of course. The God who orchestrates the universe has a good many things to consider that have not occurred to me, and it is well that I leave them to Him. But one thing I do understand: He offers me holiness at the price of relinquishing my own will.

"Do you honestly want to know Me?" He asks. I answer yes. "Then do what I say," He replies. "Do it when you understand it; do it when you don't understand it. Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done.
So instead of hammering on heaven's door for something which it is now quite clear God does not want me to have, I make my desire an offering. The longed-for thing is material for sacrifice. Here, Lord, it's yours. He will, I believe, accept the offering. He will transform it into something redemptive. He may perhaps give it back as He did Isaac to Abraham, but He will know that I fully intend to obey Him.

If you are walking this road today, I'm just so sorry. It stinks doesn't it? I won't offer you any Hallmark answers. Plus, I'm pretty sure if God were to give us an explanation our human finite minds couldn't contain it. But have hope, dear one. He is faithful.

There is Hope

You know your infertility struggle has gotten hard when you decide to dedicate an entire blog to the subject. I do have a more public, every-day kind of blog. But for some reason (frustrating at times) I cannot bring myself to talk about our struggle with infertilty. I don't know if it is a privacy thing, a fear thing, or what... but the fact is...I can't write about it there. And I DESPARATELY want to write about it. So. My solution was to create a separate more anonymous blog to chronicle our journey. To those of you who face the world with a "who gives a crap what people think. I'm talking about this!" kind of attitude, I applaud you. I envy you. And maybe one day I will be you. But until then I will do it this way. Hope that's ok.

Speaking of Hope...I decided to name my blog Hopeful in the Land of Infertility because Infertile Myrtle was taken I have found that HOPE has become sort of my life word... if that makes any sense. This lady said it perfectly here. Infertility is hope and despair mingled together. It is a journey full of ups and downs. You have hope at certain points, then the hope ( no matter how much you tried to resist it in the first place but it always manages to sneak its way into every cycle) gets crushed again and again and yet again. So. If infertility is a dry and weary land where there is no water ( Psalm 63:1) how is it that we are to have hope? I think I will probably get to the answer over several posts in the future but I think what it comes down to for me is that I have to put my hope in the right thing. Or person rather. Hope is deeper than "I hope I get pregnant this month." It has to be. Hope must be placed in something bigger than our circumstances. Otherwise we will never ever be satisfied. My hope comes from the Lord. And whether that sounds cliche to you or whether you are right there with me, the only way I can face month after month after year after year of disappointment is if my hope is in Jesus. Because, you see, one day I won't be consumed with TTC. I will be made perfect, complete, and whole. I will no longer be frustrated by a broken body. One day He will wipe away every tear from my eyes (Rev 21:4). One day life will be as it was always supposed to be. Free of hurt, sin, and infertility. That is the only way I can have hope to face a new day is to know that one day all of this will be over and I will see Him face to face. 

"May the God of HOPE fill you up with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.' Romans 15:13

More details of our journey to come soon...