Monday, August 15, 2011
Do I look miserable? All the time?
I feel like my ability to hold it together in public especially around babies and young kids is getting worse. I am the kind of person who tries so hard to hide how I am feeling but it always comes across on my face. I can be trying my hardest to fight off looks of anger, jealousy, discomfort, and awkwardness from my face but it never fails that I look miserable. My parents, friends, and now husband can ALWAYS tell if something is wrong with me. I am not wanting to be a fake person or anything, but I at dinners with our friends who are pregnant or at church where there are moms with toddlers I feel like I walk in the room and the air disappears. I get all stiff looking and just look terribly uncomfortable. I try to smile but my face feels weird. I feel like there is a flashing sign above my head that says "Bitter Infertile" I think part of it too is that I feel self-conscious around the people who do know (that we are struggling with infertility) who see me around littles. I feel like they are watching how I'm going to react. Sucks. It's like as soon as a comment is made about pregnancy or babies my face automatically shows that I am struggling. How do y'all deal with this? How do you force a smile and act somewhat decent around these people without leaving them wondering what was wrong with you? And it's not that I don't want to be real with people. I just don't want to burst into tears and talk about it at someone's birthday dinner ya know? eesh. Help me Lord.
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(hugs) I'm so sorry, nothing about infertility is easy. The bitterness never goes away, it is just more bearable some days than others. I've found that venting to my husband, or on infertility support boards or my blog is my only outlet. No one else in real life really gets what we are going though, and dh and i have found it is just easier to avoid the situations before they arise. Weve missed out on parties, get togethers, and especially bay showers because I HATE fertile comments. I hate hearing someone talk about their baby or children like they are an unwanted burden. I can't keep it together, I'm too angry and bitter and shouldn't have to. So we just do our own thing, if other people don't get it then forget them. They aren't worth your time anyway. You shouldn't have to hide how you feel, and your real friends will be understanding.
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