So Frustrated

Granted, I have never been pregnant, but isn't it a special thing to announce your baby's name to your family and close friends? Isn't it common curtacy to tell your best friends what you are naming your child before putting it on say...pinterest? I get that my friend doesn't want to make a big to-do about announcing her baby's name. But I just feel kind of hurt that she didn't tell me. I know for a fact that she told some of her other close friends.

This is also a bit silly of me to be upset about, but before she got pregnant again she told me that if she had a girl she would name the middle name after me. And now she isn't. Fine. Whatever. But I wish she wouldn't have told me that. She may not even remember saying that to me as we had had a few drinks that night. But still...I know she was at least considering it. I don't give a rip if she doesn't name her baby after me at all. It's the fact that she told me she was going to.

As you can tell I am a little bit upset about it right now. I probably shouldn't be. But it just sucks because things between us had been going so well for the last couple of weeks. We have both had the year from hell and it's been a battle to maintain this friendship when the easy thing to do would be to go our separate ways. But I just feel as though she does not consider me her best friend anymore. She's had this baby's name picked out for over a week and has not told me. It just hurts my feelings. Maybe I just need to toughen up and not let it bother me. I KNOW I have to let it go or else it will eat me alive. I have worked so hard at being happy for her and fighting feelings of bitterness and jelousy and this just doesn't help. I just wonder what her thought process was. Was it
a.) she didn't want to upset me
b.) she didn't even think to tell me
c.) she just doesn't want to tell me because she thinks I won't react in an excited way

Now I don't really know what to do. Do I tell her that I found out? Do I wait for her to tell me and then act surprised? Or do I wait for her to tell me and tell her that I found out online? 

I don't know. What I do know is that my heart hurts.

I find out this weekend if IUI #3 was successful or not. At least I'll be at home again to grieve if it's a no.

sorry for the downer post!

Not My Will but Yours be Done

I left my phone in my car during my ultrasound appointment this morning or I would have taken a picture of the screen after my nurse left (the screen that shows the size and number of my little follies). I could not believe how many I had. Granted, a lot of them are on the small side, but still! Go follistim go. My nurse seemed pretty pleased with the results in between the awkward small talk during which she's inspecting my bajango.

magic wand goes in. nurse:  "So how was your weekend?"

me: "Oh...ya know...good. How was yours"

nurse: "Oh this looks good. This one's 14. Oh it was good I went and visited my fiance..."

Here are my folliles:

Rt 1   13.7

Rt 2   15.4

Rt 3     6.9

Rt 4   10.6

Lft 1      9.3

Lft 2    10.5

Lft 3    15.7

Lft 4      9.5

Lft 5      7.4

Lft 6    12.0

She said her guess is that we will continue meds for a few days and the IUI will probably be sometime soon. I said, "Yeah and I am only on day 10 too right?" and she said "no, day 12". But...for real...I'm on day 10. IDK how she got 12? Maybe she is confused. But I know for sure that I started my period 10 days ago. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter? Maybe when she calls I'll tell her.

Another thing. After writing that last woe is me post I talked to my nurse a little bit about being totally overwhelmed and devastated nervous about this being my "last chance IUI" and she seemed to make it sound like that was not the case at all. She said something about me being a long way from being done and that my doctor would never do anything or decide anything without talking to me first. She said that I don't need to be nervous and that we have a ways to go before IVF. But that confuses me because she told me last cycle that "Dr H. wants to do a couple of injectible cycles and if those are not successful then we will talk about IVF" So this is my second IUI with injectibles so in my mind this is it. The last cycle before they want me to move on. Now she tells me I am a long way from IVF? I just want to know what's next and right now I have no clue what is next if this cycle doesn't work. I guess only time will tell. I imagine we will have a consultation?

Well, it is a beautiful day here in the south. I pray God sustains me through this IUI cycle and that He will be glorified no matter what the outcome. Praying and hoping for the impossible while also praying for God's will and surrendering all things to Him...that's a hard thing to balance. But that's my prayer...

It's this:

"God is not intimidated by our long shot request but is insulted when we do not ask Him to do things worthy of His divine nature..."

Coupled with this:

"Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done."

God, opening my womb may be a long shot request. Asking you to allow me to bear a healthy living child may seem impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult or impossible for you. I ask you for a baby, Lord. But I also want your will more than anything. And you know what is best for me and my family. I ask you in faith knowing you are able, but knowing the miracle may come in a way I do not expect. I ask you for this IUI to be our time. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

IUI #2 is a No

I am one cycle away from my doctor telling me it is time to consider IVF. I  have mixed emotions about this. My natural reaction is to feel devastated and overwhelmed. But the Spirit inside my heart tells me to be quiet and trust. To rest. It's so hard not to give in to the hurt and the pain. I was sort of hopeful for this cycle simply because I was so dag-um nauseated like every day. I guess the good news is that I started on time. And I started on Satruday which gave me plenty of time to grieve and cry all day.  I had 30 day cycle which is nice. I am afraid I may have a cyst but if I do I guess that's just God's way of giving me a break. We know the RE wants to try "a couple of injectible cycles" so I have one more. I do not know what he will say at the consultation if this next cycle is unsuccessful. I don't feel ready to  be at this point. I'm not ready to accept the end of our treatment journey. I'm not ready to stop trying. But IVF is out of our financial reach. We are lucky (blessed) to even be able to do these IUIs. I just can't believe it has come to this. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this place. Facing the painful day when my doctor tells me there is no hope.

Of course I know that God is not limited by my body or by this "one last shot". I know he can do the impossible. It's just hard to be in this place. It's hard to accept that I may never conceive my own child. But I know that what God is asking me to do is to surrender that dream to him. He wants me to willingly accept all he gives me and all he choses to withhold. If it is "over" I know he has something better planned. But right now it's just hard to see what could be better than bearing my own child. I know He is faithful. I know He will bring beauty from these ashes. And when I am resting in Him I can see that. It's hard to remain in that place though and not be carried away by this darkness. To a scary place of death and sorrow. But thankfully the dark is light to Him. I know He is good. He is good.

This is my memory verse right now:

" Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence." Hosea 6:1-3

Waiting for the day.