RE Appointment

Bonus to being Hannah (from the Bible) she didn't have to sit in a cold doctor's office under a thin paper sheet waiting for the nurse to come in to have a vaginal ultrasound.

Downside to being Hannah she probably would have appreciated all the technology and intervention we have today (after being totally weirded out by it at first).

I had another RE appointment this morning. Bright and early at 7 am. My only upside for enduring such early appointments is that I get to go to starbucks afterward and I get to work early so I get to leave a little early. But *yawn* I'm tired!

The appointment was fine. At first she scared me because she was like, "Sweetie, I'm not seeing too much on here." But then I reminded her that I had been taking birth-control to make a leftover cyst/follicle go away and she said "Oh! Right! I forgot to look at your chart. Well, in that case everything is looking exactly as it's supposed to. Quiet." She said my lining looked good (8mm). So normally I would stop the bc right away and get back on my fertility drugs but since I am going on vacation next week she said I could wait until the end of my vacay to stop the bc. Because who wants to be on their period on the beach? I told her it's also been a little nice to have a break from the constant worry and tracking of my cycle. 3 weeks off would have, in the past, completely bummed me out. I would have been thinking "We can't waste a single day!" And I still want to get going with IUI, but once we have gone there, if it doesn't work...that's it for me. So...waiting 3 weeks now...I'm just delaying getting to that point by a few weeks. What positive thinking huh? haha. I've been struggling with thinking it's just never going to happen. I know that fear is not from God.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday called, "Today is the Day" It was such an encouraging song. I've heard it before but I was so grabbed by it on my way home. I am determined to believe that God is faithful and not worry about tomorrow. Sometimes it's good just to declare the things you know are true. It helps my heart to hang on to the truth.

"I won't worry about tomorrow. 

I'm giving you my fears and sorrows. 

Where you lead me I will follow 

I'm trusting in what you say
Today is the day."

Someday?

Sometimes the thought of never ever being able to have a child makes me not be able to breathe. The thought overwhelms me. Because when I started out on this journey I always thought,

"Someday." 

Surely SOMEDAY it will happen. But I have yet to fully come to terms with the fact that it might not. God's plan A could be that we were never meant to conceive and raise biological children. But that thought is absolutely heartbreaking to me right now. I  know adoption is a miracle in itslef and that very well may be God's plan for my family. But the thought of never bearing children almost seems like a death sentance to me. I have thoughts like

"How could I ever be happy?"  and "How will life ever be good again?

I know that the answer is that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. It is Him that fulfills me not a child. I know it is not the crown achievement of womanhood to conceive and give birth to a living healthy baby. But society and my own heart makes it seem like it is. I feel so "behind" everyone else in my life. I dread Christmas and birthdays. I dread hanging out with my friends who have children. Because I feel so disconnected from them and from the rest of society. I feel like I have done something wrong and that I am broken.

I am terrified that God is going to make an example out of me. That he is going to say no again and again. I know it is for my good and for His glory, but that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make my loss insignificant or the grief process any easier. It's not that I want to fight God on this. I want rest. I want peace. But this desire for a child is so so huge. I know I must sacrifice this desire as an offering to Him. But it's so hard. Especially some days. So how does one do that? Day after day? Say,

"It's yours Lord. Your will be done."   

When does someday get here?

Just a few thoughts bouncing around in my head this morning.

Our Story

Our story is much like any other newly married couple. If I could've gotten pregnant on my honeymoon I think that would've been ok with me.  I have always wanted to have a lot of kids and my dream is to be a stay at home mommy. When we decided to start trying to conceive two years ago I thought it would happen within six months or so. Definitely in a year. But the year mark came and went. I wish now that I would've immediately requested to be referred to an RE but didn't know any better so I was "treated" by my OB for about 6 months before we got referred. I did 5 rounds of clomid until I just couldn't take it anymore and decided not to take it that 6th month. My diagnosis is that I do not ovulate on my own and I also discovered I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). My HSG came back clear and the husband’s sperm was normal. But not one positive pregnancy test.

So I was referred to the RE in the spring of this year and I began fertility drugs again (this time tomoxifen with Ovidrel trigger shot). My body would sike itself up to ovulate but then I wouldn't...thus the trigger shot.  It looked like I ovulated those 3 times but 2 times i had a leftover follicle or cyst. The first time it was not secreting hormones so we went ahead with the drugs. This second time, however, it WAS secreting hormones and so I am currently taking birth control to make it go down/go away. So my cycle is kind of on pause right now. After that we will begin the wonderful journey of IUI. I'm not really nervous about the procedure. I'm more nervous that it won't work. We do not make a lot of money so it's not like we can afford to do tons of them. We are still praying about what we would do if IUI doesn't work. I'm pretty sure IVF is out for us simply because if we are going to spend that much money on something, we'd like it to go toward adoption b/c we only have one shot. So we are facing the scary decision of having to stop treatments. Maybe it won't come to that. But it might. I know way too much about what could happen...how many women have gone down this road before me and come to the end devestated.

recap:
25 months TTC
Tried for 12 months on our own
saw ob at 12 months who said anovulation + hypothyroidism
Started Synthroid for thyroid immediately and began taking Clomid
5 rounds of Clomid - felt AWFUL on it.
Referred to RE and took 3 rounds of tomoxifen +HSG trigger (BFN)
left over follicle this month...taking birth control to force it to go away
next step IUI

When I type it all out like that it just seems...I don't know, smaller than it felt. These past two years have been a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions, grief, misery, mourning, and trying to maintain some kind of hope. I was in shock for a long time and was truly in denial that I was infertile. In the beginning it was just such a nightmare. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. It was as if I would float outside my body and think "Am I really going through that?"  But I always tried to rationalize "Surely God won't make me go through this for _____ that long. Fill in the blank. Surely I will be pregnant by Christmas.

"Wouldn't that be so special Lord!? To tell my family I am pregnant for Christmas?! ”I would pray.

But Christmas came and I put a smile on my face while I opened presents with my family, but on the inside I was dying. I was so heartbroken and hurt that God would put me through this when I loved him so much. Often times when I cry out to God in anger, frustration, bitterness, and heartache sometimes the only words I can form are, "It hurts!" or "How much LONGER God!?" 

It has been a hard, long road thus far. And the thing that makes it so hard is that I could very well have a freaking long road ahead of me. And I dread that. I just don't want to do this anymore! I have good days and bad weeks. I have times when I am not in the two week wait where I can think clearly and have perspective, but the hard days are just so dark. Sometimes the deep sadness is so overwhelming and I just sink into it and get so far down in a pit of despair. And a lot of times God is quiet. And that frustrates me too. All He'll say to me is "Trust Me." But...I mean, it's not like I have been seeking I’m perfectly like I should. Some days I am desperate for him to even be able to get up and go to work. But other days I'm just kind of tired of it. Ya know? Same story. Same hurt. Another day.

So much of my journey so far has been just plain hard. That's why there's not a lot of pretty going on in this post. It's just been hard. But in an attempt not to end this story on a sad note, I will say that the verses that have meant the most to me are Lamentations 3 and Job. I have been reading through Job for several months. And there have been so many occasions where God has spoken to me through blogs and devotions... I will say this. Our stuff is not too big for God. Our tantrums when we start...Our depression...our rants and bitterness...our big speeches to God full of things like "what the HECK are you DOING!!? Where ARE you!?" None of it is too much for Him. Tell him how you feel. He can take it. He's been so so patient with me these past two years and I praise him for that. One devotion that meant so much to me was one by Elizabeth Elliot. I want to paste it here:

Title: The Desires of My Heart

I had been praying for something I wanted very badly. It seemed a good thing to have, a thing that would make life even more pleasant than it is, and would not in any way hinder my work. God did not give it to me. Why? I do not know all of his reasons, of course. The God who orchestrates the universe has a good many things to consider that have not occurred to me, and it is well that I leave them to Him. But one thing I do understand: He offers me holiness at the price of relinquishing my own will.

"Do you honestly want to know Me?" He asks. I answer yes. "Then do what I say," He replies. "Do it when you understand it; do it when you don't understand it. Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done.
So instead of hammering on heaven's door for something which it is now quite clear God does not want me to have, I make my desire an offering. The longed-for thing is material for sacrifice. Here, Lord, it's yours. He will, I believe, accept the offering. He will transform it into something redemptive. He may perhaps give it back as He did Isaac to Abraham, but He will know that I fully intend to obey Him.

If you are walking this road today, I'm just so sorry. It stinks doesn't it? I won't offer you any Hallmark answers. Plus, I'm pretty sure if God were to give us an explanation our human finite minds couldn't contain it. But have hope, dear one. He is faithful.

There is Hope

You know your infertility struggle has gotten hard when you decide to dedicate an entire blog to the subject. I do have a more public, every-day kind of blog. But for some reason (frustrating at times) I cannot bring myself to talk about our struggle with infertilty. I don't know if it is a privacy thing, a fear thing, or what... but the fact is...I can't write about it there. And I DESPARATELY want to write about it. So. My solution was to create a separate more anonymous blog to chronicle our journey. To those of you who face the world with a "who gives a crap what people think. I'm talking about this!" kind of attitude, I applaud you. I envy you. And maybe one day I will be you. But until then I will do it this way. Hope that's ok.

Speaking of Hope...I decided to name my blog Hopeful in the Land of Infertility because Infertile Myrtle was taken I have found that HOPE has become sort of my life word... if that makes any sense. This lady said it perfectly here. Infertility is hope and despair mingled together. It is a journey full of ups and downs. You have hope at certain points, then the hope ( no matter how much you tried to resist it in the first place but it always manages to sneak its way into every cycle) gets crushed again and again and yet again. So. If infertility is a dry and weary land where there is no water ( Psalm 63:1) how is it that we are to have hope? I think I will probably get to the answer over several posts in the future but I think what it comes down to for me is that I have to put my hope in the right thing. Or person rather. Hope is deeper than "I hope I get pregnant this month." It has to be. Hope must be placed in something bigger than our circumstances. Otherwise we will never ever be satisfied. My hope comes from the Lord. And whether that sounds cliche to you or whether you are right there with me, the only way I can face month after month after year after year of disappointment is if my hope is in Jesus. Because, you see, one day I won't be consumed with TTC. I will be made perfect, complete, and whole. I will no longer be frustrated by a broken body. One day He will wipe away every tear from my eyes (Rev 21:4). One day life will be as it was always supposed to be. Free of hurt, sin, and infertility. That is the only way I can have hope to face a new day is to know that one day all of this will be over and I will see Him face to face. 

"May the God of HOPE fill you up with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.' Romans 15:13

More details of our journey to come soon...