So I was referred to the RE in the spring of this year and I began fertility drugs again (this time tomoxifen with Ovidrel trigger shot). My body would sike itself up to ovulate but then I wouldn't...thus the trigger shot. It looked like I ovulated those 3 times but 2 times i had a leftover follicle or cyst. The first time it was not secreting hormones so we went ahead with the drugs. This second time, however, it WAS secreting hormones and so I am currently taking birth control to make it go down/go away. So my cycle is kind of on pause right now. After that we will begin the wonderful journey of IUI. I'm not really nervous about the procedure. I'm more nervous that it won't work. We do not make a lot of money so it's not like we can afford to do tons of them. We are still praying about what we would do if IUI doesn't work. I'm pretty sure IVF is out for us simply because if we are going to spend that much money on something, we'd like it to go toward adoption b/c we only have one shot. So we are facing the scary decision of having to stop treatments. Maybe it won't come to that. But it might. I know way too much about what could happen...how many women have gone down this road before me and come to the end devestated.
recap:
25 months TTC
Tried for 12 months on our own
saw ob at 12 months who said anovulation + hypothyroidism
Started Synthroid for thyroid immediately and began taking Clomid
5 rounds of Clomid - felt AWFUL on it.
Referred to RE and took 3 rounds of tomoxifen +HSG trigger (BFN)
left over follicle this month...taking birth control to force it to go away
next step IUI
When I type it all out like that it just seems...I don't know, smaller than it felt. These past two years have been a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions, grief, misery, mourning, and trying to maintain some kind of hope. I was in shock for a long time and was truly in denial that I was infertile. In the beginning it was just such a nightmare. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. It was as if I would float outside my body and think "Am I really going through that?" But I always tried to rationalize "Surely God won't make me go through this for _____ that long. Fill in the blank. Surely I will be pregnant by Christmas.
"Wouldn't that be so special Lord!? To tell my family I am pregnant for Christmas?! ”I would pray.
But Christmas came and I put a smile on my face while I opened presents with my family, but on the inside I was dying. I was so heartbroken and hurt that God would put me through this when I loved him so much. Often times when I cry out to God in anger, frustration, bitterness, and heartache sometimes the only words I can form are, "It hurts!" or "How much LONGER God!?"
It has been a hard, long road thus far. And the thing that makes it so hard is that I could very well have a freaking long road ahead of me. And I dread that. I just don't want to do this anymore! I have good days and bad weeks. I have times when I am not in the two week wait where I can think clearly and have perspective, but the hard days are just so dark. Sometimes the deep sadness is so overwhelming and I just sink into it and get so far down in a pit of despair. And a lot of times God is quiet. And that frustrates me too. All He'll say to me is "Trust Me." But...I mean, it's not like I have been seeking I’m perfectly like I should. Some days I am desperate for him to even be able to get up and go to work. But other days I'm just kind of tired of it. Ya know? Same story. Same hurt. Another day.
So much of my journey so far has been just plain hard. That's why there's not a lot of pretty going on in this post. It's just been hard. But in an attempt not to end this story on a sad note, I will say that the verses that have meant the most to me are Lamentations 3 and Job. I have been reading through Job for several months. And there have been so many occasions where God has spoken to me through blogs and devotions... I will say this. Our stuff is not too big for God. Our tantrums when we start...Our depression...our rants and bitterness...our big speeches to God full of things like "what the HECK are you DOING!!? Where ARE you!?" None of it is too much for Him. Tell him how you feel. He can take it. He's been so so patient with me these past two years and I praise him for that. One devotion that meant so much to me was one by Elizabeth Elliot. I want to paste it here:
Title: The Desires of My Heart
I had been praying for something I wanted very badly. It seemed a good thing to have, a thing that would make life even more pleasant than it is, and would not in any way hinder my work. God did not give it to me. Why? I do not know all of his reasons, of course. The God who orchestrates the universe has a good many things to consider that have not occurred to me, and it is well that I leave them to Him. But one thing I do understand: He offers me holiness at the price of relinquishing my own will.
"Do you honestly want to know Me?" He asks. I answer yes. "Then do what I say," He replies. "Do it when you understand it; do it when you don't understand it. Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done.
So instead of hammering on heaven's door for something which it is now quite clear God does not want me to have, I make my desire an offering. The longed-for thing is material for sacrifice. Here, Lord, it's yours. He will, I believe, accept the offering. He will transform it into something redemptive. He may perhaps give it back as He did Isaac to Abraham, but He will know that I fully intend to obey Him.
If you are walking this road today, I'm just so sorry. It stinks doesn't it? I won't offer you any Hallmark answers. Plus, I'm pretty sure if God were to give us an explanation our human finite minds couldn't contain it. But have hope, dear one. He is faithful.
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