Someday?

Sometimes the thought of never ever being able to have a child makes me not be able to breathe. The thought overwhelms me. Because when I started out on this journey I always thought,

"Someday." 

Surely SOMEDAY it will happen. But I have yet to fully come to terms with the fact that it might not. God's plan A could be that we were never meant to conceive and raise biological children. But that thought is absolutely heartbreaking to me right now. I  know adoption is a miracle in itslef and that very well may be God's plan for my family. But the thought of never bearing children almost seems like a death sentance to me. I have thoughts like

"How could I ever be happy?"  and "How will life ever be good again?

I know that the answer is that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. It is Him that fulfills me not a child. I know it is not the crown achievement of womanhood to conceive and give birth to a living healthy baby. But society and my own heart makes it seem like it is. I feel so "behind" everyone else in my life. I dread Christmas and birthdays. I dread hanging out with my friends who have children. Because I feel so disconnected from them and from the rest of society. I feel like I have done something wrong and that I am broken.

I am terrified that God is going to make an example out of me. That he is going to say no again and again. I know it is for my good and for His glory, but that doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make my loss insignificant or the grief process any easier. It's not that I want to fight God on this. I want rest. I want peace. But this desire for a child is so so huge. I know I must sacrifice this desire as an offering to Him. But it's so hard. Especially some days. So how does one do that? Day after day? Say,

"It's yours Lord. Your will be done."   

When does someday get here?

Just a few thoughts bouncing around in my head this morning.