oh the hormones

Does Femera make anyone else crazy? I thought I was finished with the crazyness caused by Clomid and had heard side effects of femera are way less intense,. Maybe they are and I just had an off week. I was a hormonal mess this past week, into the weekend. I finally started feeling more myself on Sunday and feel a lot better today.

I don't want to blame my issues on the medicine but I was literally: paranoid, anxious, stressed, weepy, frustrated, ill as a hornet, and way more jelous and bitter toward my preggo friend. When I get like this I tend to shut everyone out. I stop answering emails, texts, and am a pro at the silent treatment.

Lord help us all who are drugged up and irrationally lashing out to the world at large!

In other news I survived week one the 2ww. Just barely obviously. haha. One more week to go. I always find the second week to be worse. But after my week last week it can only go up from here. I mean seriously!

IUI #1

Ouch. I think that sums up this post. I don't know what is wrong with me , but for some reason speculums hurt me sooooo so bad. I know they hurt everyone, but I have had the worst time with those blasted things. She started out using the small one anyway but it just felt like she was scrapping my insides out. I tried so hard to stay relaxed so she could do it, and she said she could see my cervix, but she just couldn't get it open good I guess without me clinching up too much. (Sorry tmi). My poor sweet husband was holding my hand but I think he was about to pass out! Well, she said she had another small speculum that was narrower so she went and got that one and then within 10 seconds the whole thing was done! She showed me on the screen as she injected the sperm and just like that...it was over. I even said "That's it?" They said "yep! getting there is the hardest part."

Rewind.

I took Femera this cycle and Triggered Sunday morning. I was pretty nervous this morning. I was just praying and listening to Hillsong and trying not to worry. Robert came to my work to pick me up and we got to the appointment 15 minutues early. We flipped through magazines and talked some. Our spirits were pretty high. We got called back and now you are caught up to the ouch part.

Afterwards she had me lay there for five minutes then we left. Bless husbands heart. He hated seeing me in pain so he was sweating up a storm! We laughed so hard as we got on the elevator at his sweat stained shirt. He's so sweet. I don't think he really expected it to hurt me that bad. He kept saying "Are you ok now? Does it still hurt?" I was like "Dude. If we do ever have a baby you're not even going to be able to be in the room with me!" haha.

So, now I'm back at work talking to you lovelies. Whoever you may be out there. :) All in all it wasn't too bad. But dangit. Am I the only one with speculum issues? My nurse told me to, from now on, ask for the "Long Narrow" speculum. long narrow. long narrow. Got it. For the rest of my life I will ask for the long narrow.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot one of the best parts! Husband's sperm count was 58 million!! I was so excited. Aaaaaaas was he. lol.

One last thing. Do any of you struggle with who to tell what to when you do procedures like this? I told my mom but only because she kept asking when my next appointment was (from Friday) and how the appointment went. Same thing with one of my bff's. Only she didn't ask how it went Friday so I didn't tell her we were doing this today. It's just... I don't want them knowing the exact moment I could conceive. Because then they are going to be expecting a call from me in two weeks. I just feel like it puts a lot of pressure on me. And sometimes I don't want to give them updates on my appointments ya know? I just don't want to say the words. Is that just me? I guess it's a double edged sword. Because on the one hand, I want the prayers and support. But on the other hand, I also want some kind of privacy. IDK what it is about the IUI that made me want to go into hiding from my closest friends and family. It's not much different from all the other cycles when they knew I was on my "fertile days." I guess this is just a different level now?

In any case, I'm just glad this one is over. Now the 2ww begins. Woo freakin hoo. Lord let these two weeks pass quickly!

On the ride back from the doctor this song came on. It makes me smile :) And very fitting for today.

My First Upcoming IUI

I was not expecting any mature follicles at my appointment this morning. Since my cycle felt kinda screwy from the birth control (I had two lovely weeks of breakthrough/withdrawal bleeding.) I took the Femera but it was on like the 12th day I was bleeding so I didn't really think my body would do anything. BUT... I had one follicle that was about 17. I had several smaller ones on the left side but the one on the right was the dominant one. I keep seeing things on blogs about girls being really upset that they don't have more than one mature follicle. So I asked my nurse if it was bad and she said no. She said it eliminates the chances of twinning but that it only decrees the chances of conceiving by a teeny tiny bit. Is that right? Is that only for IVF that they want you to have lots of mature follicles? Confused. So she said her guess would be that we will trigger tomorrow and then do IUI on Monday. Just waiting for bloodwork results and she will tell me What When How and Why.

So...I guess the next time I update maybe I will have already had the IUI? Yikes. I'm nervous. I had a good cry when I got to work this morning. Just cause...I guess I'm just dreading that 2ww and the end result. I dread feeling that way again. BUT...after feeling freaked out and worried I listened to The One Who Saves by Hillsong on repeat for about 45 minutes while I looked up verses in the Bible about "His love endures forever" And I just cried over Psalm 107. It will be ok. My very breath is in His hands.

 

"His love endures. Forever His love endures forever and ever."

Do I look miserable? All the time?

I feel like my ability to hold it together in public especially around babies and young kids is getting worse. I am the kind of person who tries so hard to hide how I am feeling but it always comes across on my face. I can be trying my hardest to fight off looks of anger, jealousy, discomfort, and awkwardness from my face but it never fails that I look miserable. My parents, friends, and now husband can ALWAYS tell if something is wrong with me. I am not wanting to be a fake person or anything,  but I at dinners with our friends who are pregnant or at church where there are moms with toddlers I feel like I walk in the room and the air disappears. I get all stiff looking and just look terribly uncomfortable. I try to smile but my face feels weird. I feel like there is a flashing sign above my head that says "Bitter Infertile" I think part of it too is that I feel self-conscious around the people who do know (that we are struggling with infertility) who see me around littles. I feel like they are watching how I'm going to react. Sucks. It's like as soon as a comment is made about pregnancy or babies my face automatically shows that I am struggling.  How do y'all deal with this? How do you force a smile and act somewhat decent around these people without leaving them wondering what was wrong with you? And it's not that I don't want to be real with people. I just don't want to burst into tears and talk about it at someone's birthday dinner ya know? eesh. Help me Lord.

Sarah's Laughter

I came across this Infertility and Child Loss support site yesterday and I really liked it. You can sign up for daily devotional emails about infertility and loss. I got my first one this morning and it was really good! You can also send in prayer requests to their prayer team. I thought I would pass it on in case some of you had never heard of it.

Click Here

He Is My Hope

Ok I am going to try and write a much less depressing post today! Haha. I got a call from one of my RE nurses yesterday to update me on our next treatment plan. I will say this one negative thing and then hush. You know that feeling (especially if you're bad at math like I am) where you are trying so hard to understand something that you start to tear up because you're so frustrated that you don't understand? That was me on the phone with the nurse yesterday. I get so flustered sometimes  when I try to ask questions and understand, even though I have great, sweet nurses. I think, because they do this for a living, they sometimes assume we know things or have already talked to us about certain things and they haven't. So here's where we are:

- They are changing my medicine form Tomoxifen to Femera in hopes that maybe I can produce more than one mature follicle.
- We ARE going to do IUI this cycle if all works out. This will be my first one and I'm a little really nervous!
- I will start the Femera on Wednesday and then go in for ultrasound Next Friday.
- She told me to call and see if I would be covered for injectibles (which are apparently really really expensive) and I AM!! So that is reeeeeally great news. I was so happy to hear the lady say "Yep, looks like you would just have to pay a $50 copay." I wanted to reach thru the phone and give her a high five. IUI is not covered but at least the injectibles are.
- So my doctor is suggesting that we consider doing injectibles soon if this IUI is unsuccessful.

I had a good long cry with the husband last night. He is just the greatest, most supportive man. I am so blessed to have him. I watched these videos that are floating around the infertility blogs lately and it made me so thankful that my husband is not so much like Neil. haha He just lets me cry and he believes so much that it's going to happen.  God uses him in such a big way to give me hope. I also had a good long cry with God. It was raining when I left work so when I got home I just sat in the driveway in the rain and just bawled to him. I love how He lets me have these moments with him and He is patient with me. Then it was just really sweet because I just told him all the things I know are true.

"I know you love me. I  know you hate this for me. I know you want me to have a baby so badly. I know you are walking with me. I know you are faithful. I know one day somehow I will  be a mother."  

And just saying these things to Him did so much for my soul. He gave me that peace I needed. And I praise Him for that. He is my hope in the land of infertility. He is good.

When it's someone else

Another friend anounced her pregnancy on Facebook not too long ago. I'd known for several weeks before she posted the news, but something about her saying it to the world makes it so much more official. And I literally struggle to take a breath. I was reading through all her congrats comments (like an idiot) and realized I was not breathing. I was holding my breath. When you are literally holding your breath as you are on facebook I think that's a good sign that it's time to take a break. So I have not been on since and don't plan on getting back on this month.

I am happy for my friend. Happy that she gets to experience motherhood. But her joy is like a knife to my heart. And that makes me so mad. I want to be completely happy for her. Another thing is that she wrote a blog post about how faithful God is to allow her to be a mother. And that's great. But it makes every good positive thought and truth that God has been trying to teach me be washed away with "Why is God not faithful to ME!?" It just hurts so much. The thought that God is blessing other people and saying no to me. I know that I have to trust him. I have to "Fear Not" and trust that he is a loving dad who wants good things for his little flock. But why on earth do I feel so betrayed? It just stinks, this journey. I know God can and will bring good from it. I know this is a result of living in a cursed and fallen world. And I know that He will make it right one day. I even know that some people are just called to a hard life. But knowing all that doesn't make the pain go away. The only thing that eases the pain is the supernatural peace and hope that God gives me when I surrender to Him. The pain is still there. But at least I'm not alone in it.

Oh Jesus please come. Please get me through this time. Please be with other girls out there going through this hell on earth. Bless us with children Father. We so want to be mothers. Please come. Please. You see our tears. You love us. You are faithful. Burn this truth deep into our souls as we hurt. When it's a friend and not us comfort us on every side. Bring peace.