Another friend anounced her pregnancy on Facebook not too long ago. I'd known for several weeks before she posted the news, but something about her saying it to the world makes it so much more official. And I literally struggle to take a breath. I was reading through all her congrats comments (like an idiot) and realized I was not breathing. I was holding my breath. When you are literally holding your breath as you are on facebook I think that's a good sign that it's time to take a break. So I have not been on since and don't plan on getting back on this month.
I am happy for my friend. Happy that she gets to experience motherhood. But her joy is like a knife to my heart. And that makes me so mad. I want to be completely happy for her. Another thing is that she wrote a blog post about how faithful God is to allow her to be a mother. And that's great. But it makes every good positive thought and truth that God has been trying to teach me be washed away with "Why is God not faithful to ME!?" It just hurts so much. The thought that God is blessing other people and saying no to me. I know that I have to trust him. I have to "Fear Not" and trust that he is a loving dad who wants good things for his little flock. But why on earth do I feel so betrayed? It just stinks, this journey. I know God can and will bring good from it. I know this is a result of living in a cursed and fallen world. And I know that He will make it right one day. I even know that some people are just called to a hard life. But knowing all that doesn't make the pain go away. The only thing that eases the pain is the supernatural peace and hope that God gives me when I surrender to Him. The pain is still there. But at least I'm not alone in it.
Oh Jesus please come. Please get me through this time. Please be with other girls out there going through this hell on earth. Bless us with children Father. We so want to be mothers. Please come. Please. You see our tears. You love us. You are faithful. Burn this truth deep into our souls as we hurt. When it's a friend and not us comfort us on every side. Bring peace.
My heart hurts for you. I know this feeling all to well. I think it is wise that you are stepping away from Facebook. I find myself constantly comparing my life to others on Facebook - all it does is break me and cause me additional pain, make me envious and angry. None of these things are what God wants, so I too try to stay away. I want to be happy for others, as I know that's what He asks of us as Christians. Just think how sweet it will be when it is finally your turn!
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