IUI #2 is now on the calender! September 22, 2011
That means the day I find out good or bad news is also on the calender. Esh. Well. Maybe I won't think about it too much. Quiet heart. Quiet heart.So here's the schedule this time:
Monday: Last Follitism shot (yay!!) and a little bd.
Tuesday: (Today!): ovidrel trigger at 10 p.m
Wednesday: obstaining, relaxing, nothing else to do! Except I want to get one last good run in before I have to take it easier. And watch 24 of course.
Thursday: Husband's part 8:00 a.m. Then IUI at 10 a.m Remember. Ask for the "long narrow" speculum!
Thursday night we head out of town and will get a little post-IUI-hotel-action lol.
Friday: Nuthin
Saturday: 1/2 a dose of Ovidrel @ 10 p.m (weird. Has anybody else heard of doing another trigger after the IUI?)
I had two follicles this go 'round. As of yesterday, cycle day 11, I had a 19 mm on the right and a 14 mm on the left. So they have some time to grow. She said my lining looked great. And I had a freaking ton of cervical mucus yesterday (just for the record... I hate the word mucus. ew.)
All in all this was a TMI post! Sorry about that!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Quiet Heart
There are so many ways to describe how painful infertility is and yet, often times, words seem to fall so very short. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head but I am almost at a loss. I feel like words don't even do it justice. I'm am thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us at times like this. I have a long overdue talk planned tomorrow with the preggo bff. It’s been a rough month for both of us and the distance between us has increased significantly. I was thinking of what I need to say to her tomorrow and there are so many different things I could say. Do I explain in detail how hard it’s been? Do I use words like “perpetual heartache” or “my emotions are in shambles”? Do I explain about Femera? Do I tell her about wrestling with God’s sovereignty? Every time I try to think up something to say it just doesn't seem like enough. I know I can’t talk about my anger and bitterness towards her. That’s not her fault anyway and she doesn’t deserve to worry about my bitterness. So what is the most important thing to say? How does one decide what is best to say out of the millions of possibilities? Bottom line? The Holy Spirit has got some speaking to do through me! I just can't do it in my own strength. That's all there is to it. He is going to have to lead me and I am going to have to give him full reign to do so. He has GOT to give me words that can heal and bring peace to this friendship that has been put through hell the past two years. My prayer yesterday (when I had to see her for the first time in a while) was just, "Do it Lord. Do it Lord. You have to be my words. You have to be everything."
These are things I thought about as I read Scripture this morning and read through a host of Elizabeth Elliot devos. That woman. Good gracious. She is SO anointed. Praise God for her. She has a way of saying things straight to my soul and they just click. What I came away with this morning was this strong desire to have a quiet heart. To have a quiet trust before the Lord that no matter what...even if He never gives me children that I will be ok, He is good, He is faithful, and He will take care of me. Maybe that’s what I should say. I’m not sure. But of two things I am certain: 1. I will have a dozen fake conversations with her in my mind before then and 2. It will not be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my mind. We just have to talk through some of the awkwardness. And we both love Jesus and want to love and serve each other so I know it will be ok. If he can calm the turbulent sea (see below) he can certainly calm my anxious heart and heal a deep friendship.
I will leave you with what I wish I had written: a few snippets from Ms. Elisabeth Elliot. I can’t wait to meet her in heaven.
“I have been watching the sea--very turbulent this morning because of a tropical storm
hundreds of miles away--and I remember Him whose word was enough to calm it. Speak that word to me today, dear Lord: peace. Let your calm spirit, through the many potentially rough minutes of
this day, in every task, say to my soul, Be still. Even this day's chaos, with all its clutter and exertion, will be ordered by your quiet power if my heart is subject to your word of peace. Thank You, Lord.
hundreds of miles away--and I remember Him whose word was enough to calm it. Speak that word to me today, dear Lord: peace. Let your calm spirit, through the many potentially rough minutes of
this day, in every task, say to my soul, Be still. Even this day's chaos, with all its clutter and exertion, will be ordered by your quiet power if my heart is subject to your word of peace. Thank You, Lord.
Jesus slept on a pillow in the midst of a raging storm. How could He? The terrified disciples, sure that the next wave would send them straight to the bottom, shook Him awake with rebuke. How could He be so careless of their fate? He could because He slept in the calm assurance that His Father was in control. His was a quiet heart. Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. Jesus in the unbroken intimacy of His Father's love, kept a quiet heart. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5 NIV). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV). Think of that promise and keep a quiet heart! Our enemy delights in disquieting us. Our Savior and Helper delights in quieting us. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" is His promise (Is 66:13, NIV). The choice is ours. It depends on our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers. The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.
We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man.”
Side note: if any of you have any advice for how to survive your best friend being pregnant (again) please let me know!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A Big Box and a Dream
Ok so I had NO idea how big my box of meds would be when the pharmacy said they were going to overnight it to me. They sent me 3 cartridges of Follitism, 2 ovidrel, and 2 ganirelix, the disposable needle thing, another follitism pen, some yummy smell-good Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer, and a little pink slip that said, "We would love for you to send us a picture of your baby to encourage patients who come to our office who also struggle with infertility." Which I thought was kind of sweet :) Thanks for being so confident that I will get pregnant pharmaceutical company!
I told them to send it to my office at work since I wasn't sure what time it would arrive and I didn't want it to be left outside at my house. Well, my boss brings this huge box back to my office and I was like Oh no! Please don't check the shipping address! Haha. If he did I'm sure he was very confused.
I gave myself my first follitism pen shot last night. 50 IU. I made husband watch me so he could see how tough I am. ha. It was pretty easy once I got through it. I think I have got the hang of it now.
My mom also emailed me this morning and told me she wanted to pay for my next IUI. It made me want to cry. I told her we were good for this round and she said she would put her “grandbaby money” in a sock. Lol. She’s so sweet. She also told me that she had a dream last night that I announced my pregnancy at my friend's gender reveal party (which in real life was last week and I did not go). In the dream I was going to put the ultrasound DVD in and it was going to tell if I was pregnant or not. Dream mom and dad had to leave early from the party before my big news and I was very upset. Mom was fussing at my dad for making them leave so they returned to the dream party and I was happy again. We popped in the DVD and she said that no one could see anything on it and we are all confused. The End.
Sounds pretty accurate. Infertility is one confusing dream!
So I go in Monday for a scan and we will then schedule IUI#2
Until next time!
I told them to send it to my office at work since I wasn't sure what time it would arrive and I didn't want it to be left outside at my house. Well, my boss brings this huge box back to my office and I was like Oh no! Please don't check the shipping address! Haha. If he did I'm sure he was very confused.
I gave myself my first follitism pen shot last night. 50 IU. I made husband watch me so he could see how tough I am. ha. It was pretty easy once I got through it. I think I have got the hang of it now.
My mom also emailed me this morning and told me she wanted to pay for my next IUI. It made me want to cry. I told her we were good for this round and she said she would put her “grandbaby money” in a sock. Lol. She’s so sweet. She also told me that she had a dream last night that I announced my pregnancy at my friend's gender reveal party (which in real life was last week and I did not go). In the dream I was going to put the ultrasound DVD in and it was going to tell if I was pregnant or not. Dream mom and dad had to leave early from the party before my big news and I was very upset. Mom was fussing at my dad for making them leave so they returned to the dream party and I was happy again. We popped in the DVD and she said that no one could see anything on it and we are all confused. The End.
Sounds pretty accurate. Infertility is one confusing dream!
So I go in Monday for a scan and we will then schedule IUI#2
Until next time!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Here we go...Injectibles
I have now entered the wonderful world of injectibles. I got my Follistim Pen this morning and have already watched my instructional DVD. My scan looked good this morning. No left over follicles/cysts this cycle!! Praise the Lord. I was ready to turn down some bcp (because I just don't feel like having breakthrough bleeding for another two weeks straight!) But thankfully I didn't have to. I am just waiting on my blood-work call back and instructions on when to do what and how.
How do I feel about all of this? Idk yet. Pretty good I guess. When I heard the words "Could increase your chance of multiples by a little bit." I smiled on the inside. Not that I necessarily want that...I know how risky it can be with little twin babies (not to mention more than that) and I wouldn't want to be a basketcase my entire pregnancy...but twins? That would be kind of cool.
Husband and I went walking through Wal-mart at 9:00 last night to get him some ice-cream (he's such a cutie pants) and I said, "Babe, do you think we should pray about whether we should do an IUI again this cycle?" and without even hesitating he said "Well, I don't even have to pray about it much. I think we should do it. Let's do it." Not that he meant he didn't want to pray about it, he was just really confident that that's what we need to do. I love when he gets all determinded like that. I told him Friday night that I started this blog a while back and that I had four girls who leave me sweet comments sometimes and he was impressed by that! So thanks!
He also randomly said "Let's be foster parents" last night and my heart almost stopped. We have, of course, been praying about adoption and have had a few conversations about foster parenting and every time I think about it I can't really breathe. I don't really have a desire to do that, but part of me wonders if God could be calling us to that. I can't imagine bringing a 5 year old into our lives. I wouldn't even know where to begin with a little kid! I mean...raising one "from scratch" is one thing; learning as we go...but to just jump in with a kid? And then the possibility of them getting taken away. Scary! I know that God will equip us to do what He calls us to do. The thought just terrifies me at the moment. We know we want to adopt eventually. I just wonder if that is what we will do instead of having our own. But those are questions my heart will not have an answer to for a while. Until then I am learning to trust little by little. I am so hungry for God to give me peace about my infertility. I'm tired of wrestling over it. But part of me wants to just rest because I wonder if THEN God will bless us with a child (see how wacko my mind is sometimes?). Like I could ever formulate a solution to something so out of my hands. It's just my attempt to grasp at some sort of control.
Ok two things.
First is this song I heard over the weekend. You may have heard it. Strong Enough my Matthew West:
And the second is some awesome guys who do cover songs. Michael Henry and Justin Robinett. Their harmony is crazy good. Go watch all of their videos for reals!! This one looks like it might be one of their first ones but their videos get better. If I Die Young is also a good one. But I just like this one for some reason! Very...very much different from the Matthew West song. lol. *be sure to watch the dog in the background!*
Happy Monday!
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| my new friend & coconut moca |
How do I feel about all of this? Idk yet. Pretty good I guess. When I heard the words "Could increase your chance of multiples by a little bit." I smiled on the inside. Not that I necessarily want that...I know how risky it can be with little twin babies (not to mention more than that) and I wouldn't want to be a basketcase my entire pregnancy...but twins? That would be kind of cool.
Husband and I went walking through Wal-mart at 9:00 last night to get him some ice-cream (he's such a cutie pants) and I said, "Babe, do you think we should pray about whether we should do an IUI again this cycle?" and without even hesitating he said "Well, I don't even have to pray about it much. I think we should do it. Let's do it." Not that he meant he didn't want to pray about it, he was just really confident that that's what we need to do. I love when he gets all determinded like that. I told him Friday night that I started this blog a while back and that I had four girls who leave me sweet comments sometimes and he was impressed by that! So thanks!
He also randomly said "Let's be foster parents" last night and my heart almost stopped. We have, of course, been praying about adoption and have had a few conversations about foster parenting and every time I think about it I can't really breathe. I don't really have a desire to do that, but part of me wonders if God could be calling us to that. I can't imagine bringing a 5 year old into our lives. I wouldn't even know where to begin with a little kid! I mean...raising one "from scratch" is one thing; learning as we go...but to just jump in with a kid? And then the possibility of them getting taken away. Scary! I know that God will equip us to do what He calls us to do. The thought just terrifies me at the moment. We know we want to adopt eventually. I just wonder if that is what we will do instead of having our own. But those are questions my heart will not have an answer to for a while. Until then I am learning to trust little by little. I am so hungry for God to give me peace about my infertility. I'm tired of wrestling over it. But part of me wants to just rest because I wonder if THEN God will bless us with a child (see how wacko my mind is sometimes?). Like I could ever formulate a solution to something so out of my hands. It's just my attempt to grasp at some sort of control.
Ok two things.
First is this song I heard over the weekend. You may have heard it. Strong Enough my Matthew West:
And the second is some awesome guys who do cover songs. Michael Henry and Justin Robinett. Their harmony is crazy good. Go watch all of their videos for reals!! This one looks like it might be one of their first ones but their videos get better. If I Die Young is also a good one. But I just like this one for some reason! Very...very much different from the Matthew West song. lol. *be sure to watch the dog in the background!*
Happy Monday!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Take Me To You
I feel so much better today. Thank y'all for your sweet encouragement. It is just a battle to handle these crazy emotions. I feel much more hopeful today. One day at a time. And it's as if the weather copies my mood. Or maybe it's the other way around. It's been so dreary lately and today it is a BEAUTiful day. I'm so thankful for the peace that follows such hard days -- for peace in the middle of the storm.
I wrote this little poem the other day on one of my hard days. It really captures the battle going on in my soul. Feeling like I am sinking so far but doing all that I can to reach out for God to hold me up.
I hope He encourages you today in legit ways.
I wrote this little poem the other day on one of my hard days. It really captures the battle going on in my soul. Feeling like I am sinking so far but doing all that I can to reach out for God to hold me up.
I hope He encourages you today in legit ways.
Hold me up I am sinking
Lower and under beneath me
Lower and under beneath me
Hold me close I am shaking
Don't want to move forward please take me
Take me home
Give me peace
I surrender
Take the weight
off my chest
And remember
Each step is a step in the valley
Each shadow I see overwhelms me
But I'm not alone you're surrounding
So I will not fear. Please take me
Take me home
Give me peace
I surrender
Take the weight
off my chest
I remember
In you I am whole and complete
In you I have all that I need
So take me
Please take me
To you
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Negatory
I feel like somebody has punched me in the stomach. Today I am 16 days past IUI and I took my first pregnancy test in like 6 months. I got my hopes up SO much this time. It's just so hard. So I tested this morning and it was negative. Which...this far out....16 days after...that's pretty accurate. The reason I got so hopeful [and entered the danger zone of picturing that positive test...pictureing telling my husband and family...picturing myself running to the store to buy something] is because I didn't have very many cramps this 2ww. Idk why I let myself read into symptoms on a medicated cycle. I should know better by now. Damn. So now, of course, I am feeling veeeerry much like I'm about to start. I mean, it's coming any second now. And I have one lone tampon here at work. And do you want to know the most messed up part of all of this? My friend is finding out the sex of her baby today and having a big party tomorrow night. I can't even go to it. :( I even thought "Ooo! Maybe if I'm pregnant I can go to the party now!" Not.
And I said (and I still mean it) that I would love God and serve him anyway and just keep going. But it hurts so bad. I just feel numb. Hallow. I can't even cry an ugly cry right now b/c i'm so angry that this has happened again. I am not where some of you other IVF warriors are, but I feel I am headed that way. And we can't afford IVF. So a few more IUIs and we're probably done. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it have to feel so unfair? I know that nobody is guaranteed anything in life. That's just the way it goes. But why do I have to be around pregnant friends all the time? My only friend in this town is pregnant and I just feel so lonely. Isolated. And I have shut her out pretty much. It's just so painful to be around her. I struggle so much with bitterness towards her and it's not her fault.
My mom texted me that she was praying Psalm 27 for me so I read that before I tested. I should've known that would be a sign because the last verse is, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." More waiting. Great. I know I must sound so bitter this morning. I'm sorry about that to anybody who comes across this. And for future me who will go back and read this. It's just a raw, low moment.
And I said (and I still mean it) that I would love God and serve him anyway and just keep going. But it hurts so bad. I just feel numb. Hallow. I can't even cry an ugly cry right now b/c i'm so angry that this has happened again. I am not where some of you other IVF warriors are, but I feel I am headed that way. And we can't afford IVF. So a few more IUIs and we're probably done. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it have to feel so unfair? I know that nobody is guaranteed anything in life. That's just the way it goes. But why do I have to be around pregnant friends all the time? My only friend in this town is pregnant and I just feel so lonely. Isolated. And I have shut her out pretty much. It's just so painful to be around her. I struggle so much with bitterness towards her and it's not her fault.
My mom texted me that she was praying Psalm 27 for me so I read that before I tested. I should've known that would be a sign because the last verse is, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." More waiting. Great. I know I must sound so bitter this morning. I'm sorry about that to anybody who comes across this. And for future me who will go back and read this. It's just a raw, low moment.
How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me."
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me."
Psalm 13
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