A Quiet Heart

There are so many ways to describe how painful infertility is and yet, often times, words seem to fall so very short. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head but I am almost at a loss. I feel like words don't even do it justice. I'm am thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us at times like this.  I have a long overdue talk planned tomorrow with the preggo bff. It’s been a rough month for both of us and the distance between us has increased significantly. I was thinking of what I need to say to her tomorrow and there are so many different things I could say. Do I explain in detail how hard it’s been? Do I use words like “perpetual heartache” or “my emotions are in shambles”? Do I explain about Femera? Do I tell her about wrestling with God’s sovereignty? Every time I try to think up something to say it just doesn't seem like enough. I know I can’t talk about my anger and bitterness towards her. That’s not her fault anyway and she doesn’t deserve to worry about my bitterness. So what is the most important thing to say? How does one decide what is best to say out of the millions of possibilities? Bottom line? The Holy Spirit has got some speaking to do through me! I just can't do it in my own strength. That's all there is to it. He is going to have to lead me and I am going to have to give him full reign to do so. He has GOT to give me words that can heal and bring peace to this friendship that has been put through hell the past two years. My prayer yesterday (when I had to see her for the first time in a while) was just, "Do it Lord. Do it Lord. You have to be my words. You have to be everything."

These are things I thought about as I read Scripture this morning and read through a host of Elizabeth Elliot devos. That woman.  Good gracious. She is SO anointed. Praise God for her. She has a way of saying things straight to my soul and they just click.  What I came away with this morning was this strong desire to have a quiet heart. To have a quiet trust before the Lord that no matter what...even if He never gives me children that I will be ok, He is good, He is faithful, and He will take care of me.  Maybe that’s what I should say. I’m not sure. But of two things I am certain: 1. I will have a dozen fake conversations with her in my mind before then and 2. It will not be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my mind. We just have to talk through some of the awkwardness. And we both love Jesus and want to love and serve each other so I know it will be ok. If he can calm the turbulent sea (see below) he can certainly calm my anxious heart and heal a deep friendship.

I will leave you with what I wish I had written: a few snippets from Ms. Elisabeth Elliot. I can’t wait to meet her in heaven.

“I have been watching the sea--very turbulent this morning because of a tropical storm
hundreds of miles away--and I remember Him whose word was enough to calm it. Speak that word to me today, dear Lord: peace. Let your calm spirit, through the many potentially rough minutes of
this day, in every task, say to my soul, Be still. Even this day's chaos, with all its clutter and exertion, will be ordered by your quiet power if my heart is subject to your word of peace. Thank You, Lord.

Jesus slept on a pillow in the midst of a raging storm. How could He? The terrified disciples, sure that the next wave would send them straight to the bottom, shook Him awake with rebuke. How could He be so careless of their fate? He could because He slept in the calm assurance that His Father was in control. His was a quiet heart. Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. Jesus in the unbroken intimacy of His Father's love, kept a quiet heart. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5 NIV). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned.  As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace. 

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV). Think of that promise and keep a quiet heart! Our enemy delights in disquieting us. Our Savior and Helper delights in quieting us. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" is His promise (Is 66:13, NIV). The choice is ours. It depends on our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers. The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.

We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man.”

Side note: if any of you have any advice for how to survive your best friend being pregnant (again) please let me know!!