Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Negatory

I feel like somebody has punched me in the stomach. Today I am 16 days past IUI and I took my first pregnancy test in like 6 months. I got my hopes up SO much this time. It's just so hard. So I tested this morning and it was negative. Which...this far out....16 days after...that's pretty accurate. The reason I got so hopeful [and entered the danger zone of picturing that positive test...pictureing telling my husband and family...picturing myself running to the store to buy something] is because I didn't have very many cramps this 2ww. Idk why I let myself read into symptoms on a medicated cycle. I should know better by now. Damn. So now, of course, I am feeling veeeerry much like I'm about to start. I mean, it's coming any second now. And I have one lone tampon here at work. And do you want to know the most messed up part of all of this? My friend is finding out the sex of her baby today and having a big party tomorrow night. I can't even go to it. :( I even thought "Ooo! Maybe if I'm pregnant I can go to the party now!" Not.

And I said (and I still mean it) that I would love God and serve him anyway and just keep going. But it hurts so bad. I just feel numb. Hallow. I can't even cry an ugly cry right now b/c i'm so angry that this has happened again. I am not where some of you other IVF warriors are, but I feel I am headed that way. And we can't afford IVF. So a few more IUIs and we're probably done. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it have to feel so unfair? I know that nobody is guaranteed anything in life. That's just the way it goes. But why do I have to be around pregnant friends all the time? My only friend in this town is pregnant and I just feel so lonely. Isolated. And I have shut her out pretty much. It's just so painful to be around her. I struggle so much with bitterness towards her and it's not her fault.

My mom texted me that she was praying Psalm 27 for me so I read that before I tested. I should've known that would be a sign because the last verse is, "Wait for the LORD;  be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." More waiting. Great. I know I must sound so bitter this morning. I'm sorry about that to anybody who comes across this. And for future me who will go back and read this. It's just a raw, low moment.

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me."
Psalm 13


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3 comments:

  1. KristenSeptember 7, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    I'm so sorry. My heart is just hurting for you right now, because I know exactly how you feel. Buy a big box of chocolate, a bottle of wine, and have an ugly cry. It'll make you feel much better :-)

    *HUGS*

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  2. RebeccaSeptember 7, 2011 at 10:34 AM

    (Hugs) I am so sorry this last cycle didn't work. It's so hard to feel so full of hope and feel like you have all the right symptoms, only to have it come crashing down around you. I completely understand the bitterness, I can't be around pregnant women (and sometimes kids) for that exact reason. It just hurst to much and it isn't fair.

    We are only able to do a couple of iui's with injectables (at over $3k a round) before we will have to move onto IVF (over $15k). We can't afford either of those treatments at the moment, so it sucks. The earliest we can start trying again is February, and if that round doesn't work we would have to wait a few months to try again. The waiting is the worst, it's such a heartbreaking struggle with no easy answers. I hope your Dr. can tweak some things for the next cycle to help you get your bfp. Wishing you all the best and try to hang in there. Like the previous poster said, buy some chocolate and let yourself cry it out. (Hugs)

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  3. Orange GirlSeptember 7, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    I just posted a long comment and it got deleted! I will try to regurgitate it.

    I am so sorry. I have been there, and I know how much it hurts, especially when your hopes are high and you want it so badly. I will be praying that God will give you answers soon, and that He will provide the means for you to do whatever is necessary to bring you your miracle. We just finished our third IUI after two failed cycles, and we are also overwhelmed by future fertility treatments. The only thing keeping me going is that I know God's plan is perfect.

    On another note, consider this a free ticket to eat and drink whatever you want! I know you would much rather be pregnant, but I always enjoy something that I couldn't have during my cycle if I get a BFN.

    I wish we lived in the same city, because I would totally be your non-pregnant friend!

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