I am pregnant.
*gasp*
Y'all. Seriously. I just do not know what to say. I know, even in the infertility world, that pregnancy announcements can sting. And I don't want to cause anyone pain. But I didn't want to be lame and just abandon my little blog after I have had people be so sweet to encourage me and let me be so candid about what we are going through.
So...obviously I am not very far a long at all. I am 6 weeks 1 day. I just can't believe it's me posting this. I had been trying to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for another no. I even called my nurse the day before I found out to ask her what was coming next if this cycle was negative and she said we'd come in for a consultation and take a few months off and talk about options (which for us...this was pretty much the end of the line treatment wise).
At 15 dpiui on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. I NEVER test if I can help it so I am not sure why I even did it. I was convinced this cycle was a bust because I was cramping just like I always did at that point. But... it was my first ever BFP. I just stood there for the longest time shaking and saying, "Oh my God"
I know full well that I still have a LONG way to go. I know the Lord gives and takes away. I know all the "what if's" that can happen. But for today....I am pregnant. And I can't even believe it. We've told my family and a few close friends who knew about the IUIs but we will wait a while before announcing it to the world. I never thought I would be here. I prayed for it. I was hopeful some days. But I never could quite picture the "Yes" moment.
My first two betas were good.
18 dpiui 948
21 dpiui 3127
I had my first ultrasound this morning. My doctor wanted me to come in before 7 weeks because my levels were so high and they thought it could be twins (it's not). We were able to see the little heart beat flickering on the screen. I go in again in a couple weeks.
I am still in a bit of shock. I am so thankful. And I know that God is so good to do this. That's the natural (and proper) reaction when something like this happens is to praise Him for His goodness. But the thing I have been thinking about the past week or so since I found out and the thing I wanted to share here is that God was good in our infertility too. He has BEEN good. He is good now...yes. He is faithful and gracious...yes. But He was also good in the pain and tears. He would have been good had His answer been No again. And He will still be good if God forbid something happen with this pregnancy. I feel like that is the lesson He taught me all these years of going through this, is that He is good. No matter what. And He is enough. I can trust Him. And yes, this is easier to say now than it was then. But this is the hard truth of the gospel. God is good in times of blessing and in times of heartache.
It is hard to get out of this infertility-state-of-mind and be truly excited because of all that could happen. But I read something in my Beth Moore study last week that was so timely:
"God cares about you! He wants to show you what He can do with your life and your negative conditions, but He wants you to know without a doubt the He alone is the author of reversals. Wait like a watchman on the wall and when the first sign of reversal comes, don't dream of calling it a coincidence. Raise the roof with praise and ask the One who has begun a good work in you to complete it! He is not only glorified in through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating. "
So day by day I will celebrate. And I will never for one second forget this journey or those who still walk it. It has got to be one of the hardest things a woman has to bear and I am forever marked by my time here. My prayer is that God would use this for His glory. That maybe, through the heartache, you would be encouraged by this (though I know sometimes it's just impossible to feel good about someone else's pregnancy. Totallllly get it). My prayer is that He would finish the work He's begun in each of us.
So for now, I am taking things a day at a time. Being thankful for each moment of nausea and each reminder that this is real. He is faithful. He can move mountains. Praise you, Lord.
" You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever."
Psalm 30:11-12
