IUI #2 is a No

I am one cycle away from my doctor telling me it is time to consider IVF. I  have mixed emotions about this. My natural reaction is to feel devastated and overwhelmed. But the Spirit inside my heart tells me to be quiet and trust. To rest. It's so hard not to give in to the hurt and the pain. I was sort of hopeful for this cycle simply because I was so dag-um nauseated like every day. I guess the good news is that I started on time. And I started on Satruday which gave me plenty of time to grieve and cry all day.  I had 30 day cycle which is nice. I am afraid I may have a cyst but if I do I guess that's just God's way of giving me a break. We know the RE wants to try "a couple of injectible cycles" so I have one more. I do not know what he will say at the consultation if this next cycle is unsuccessful. I don't feel ready to  be at this point. I'm not ready to accept the end of our treatment journey. I'm not ready to stop trying. But IVF is out of our financial reach. We are lucky (blessed) to even be able to do these IUIs. I just can't believe it has come to this. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this place. Facing the painful day when my doctor tells me there is no hope.

Of course I know that God is not limited by my body or by this "one last shot". I know he can do the impossible. It's just hard to be in this place. It's hard to accept that I may never conceive my own child. But I know that what God is asking me to do is to surrender that dream to him. He wants me to willingly accept all he gives me and all he choses to withhold. If it is "over" I know he has something better planned. But right now it's just hard to see what could be better than bearing my own child. I know He is faithful. I know He will bring beauty from these ashes. And when I am resting in Him I can see that. It's hard to remain in that place though and not be carried away by this darkness. To a scary place of death and sorrow. But thankfully the dark is light to Him. I know He is good. He is good.

This is my memory verse right now:

" Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence." Hosea 6:1-3

Waiting for the day.