10 years later

 I’m 37 (almost 38). I have two beautiful children. One biological and one adopted. It’s been exactly ten years since I wrote on this little secret blog. I remembered my login today and read through all the entries. That sweet girl. I have so much compassion for my younger self. 

My life is so vastly different now. I homeschool my kids. I have a small business. Life is good. The trauma I experienced with infertility never really left me (in the sense that I never felt I could to back down that road). Sometimes I have regrets about it but knowing now how common that is and how truly terrible it was I have compassion for myself and my decisions. When our daughter (who was conceived during that big IUI #3) was two we started the process of adopting and our amazing son was born a year later. 

Our life’s are simple, good, fun, laid back. I love our life. 

Last summer though I started getting antsy. I went to an acupuncturist for three months TTC naturally. After that my BFF that I wrote about so often announced she was pregnant, I had a big cry, and we decided we were officially done. That decision gave me a lot of peace and I was very content through her whole pregnancy. 

She had the baby yesterday and it has undone me. I wrote so candidly back then about our struggles in friendship and I’m so happy to say that we are even closer today. I love all her kids like my own and have celebrated each birth like I wanted to celebrate her first back then and wasn’t able to. I have thrown her four baby showers. I’ve given gifts, brought meals, been truly over the moon for her. Seeing that itty baby though has opened an old wound and brought a fresh wave of pain that has knocked me out. I’ve cried for six days straight. It’s hard to get anything done. 

Each new picture she sends twists my guts into knots. I have a migraine from crying so much and I’m numb. My husband is very hesitant to try again. He’s 42. I don’t blame him. We were settled and here I come with my waves of grief. 

The grief confuses me. Does this mean I truly want another baby? Or is this just how it is with infertility and middle age? Knowing that the door is officially closed and that my body really can’t do it is so hard. 

And if the door is closed for good, if this death needs to be grieved, how do I memorialize that? There is no grave to bring flowers. There is no place to go and mourn. Do I plant a tree? “For the babies that never were” 

Or do we say screw it and go back to the fertility specialist and schedule an iui. At my age. Yikes. 

I want to say thank you to the women who commented on these old blogs a decade ago. I never met you. You never even knew my name. But you got me through the hardest time of my life. “May his favor be upon you to a thousand generations.” 

Wonderful Counselor. Prince of Peace

Little by little I am trying to convince myself that this is real. Here I am at 11 weeks and I still feel like this is a dream. It is so weird to be pregnant after infertility. Good and wonderful! Just...weird. Because the pain that I felt from all those years is still with me. I still ache when I think back on my journey and I still hurt for those who are still going through it. I have made the announcement to several friends and my immediate family, but we still haven't made it public knowledge. I feel a little crazy, but I kind of don't want to let the secret out yet. I know that once I see my OB on Friday and get some reassurance I'll feel a little better, but I almost feel like the moment I tell everyone that something bad will happen. I know that is just Satan. It's silly to feel that way. I also think it's these hormones making me a little crazy-minded.

So...I'm inching along, week by week. Happy but still hurting for those with losses and "no's" and those who are still waiting. My mind is still very much here. Still very present with those who are hurting. I'm so thankful to be where I am and yet still praying God would let others be in this place with me. I'm so thankful. So aware that I am not worthy of this gift. So humbled. And I'm praying for others who will one day be in my place. Because I know that God is faithful. He will bring those yes's to those who are waiting! Have hope! Hold on! You are one day closer to God unveiling His plan! It is coming!

And here we are at Christmas and our trees are all beautfiul, and maybe you are hurting and aching for tiny presents to be under your tree. And I think about how that Christmas song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" That song makes me sad when I hear it because I think of all the people that are thinking this is NOT the most wonderful time of the year. And I think about what Christmas is really about. It's more than presents and hams and happy memories (those things are good! And we do celebrate with these things but it's not only these things) It's about a God who came to randsom a hurting and suffering people. The Israelites were enslaved for so many years and God sent His Son to set them free from captivity; to set us free from captivity. It may not feel like a very peaceful time of year for you. But there was nothing peaceful about the way Jesus was born really. It was sort of chaotic if you think about it! But that baby cried and the world at that moment was changed. And God became our canopy, refuge, and shelter from a world of chaos and pain. A loving God sent His son to be born a man so that he could rescue us from our suffering. That is what Christmas is about. Oh how I love Him! I LOVE Isaiah 9.

"But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish.
 He has made glorious the way of the sea, 

the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations.
The people who walked in darkness
   have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
   on them has light shined.
  You have multiplied the nation;
   you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you
   as with joy at the harvest,
   as they are glad when they divide the spoil.
For the yoke of his burden,
    and the staff for his shoulder,
   the rod of his oppressor,
   For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
   and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and of peace
    there will be no end." 

Have hope. He is faithful. There is no end to His peace.

IUI #3

I can't believe I am actually going to type these words....

I am pregnant.

*gasp*

Y'all. Seriously. I just do not know what to say. I know, even in the infertility world, that pregnancy announcements can sting. And I don't want to cause anyone pain. But I didn't want to be lame and just abandon my little blog after I have had people be so sweet to encourage me and let me be so candid about what we are going through. 

So...obviously I am not very far a long at all. I am 6 weeks 1 day. I just can't believe it's me posting this. I had been trying to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for another no. I even called my nurse the day before I found out to ask her what was coming next if this cycle was negative and she said we'd come in for a consultation and take a few months off and talk about options (which for us...this was pretty much the end of the line treatment wise).

At 15 dpiui on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. I NEVER test if I can help it so I am not sure why I even did it. I was convinced this cycle was a bust because I was cramping just like I always did at that point. But... it was my first ever BFP. I just stood there for the longest time shaking and saying, "Oh my God"

I know full well that I still have a LONG way to go. I know the Lord gives and takes away. I know all the "what if's" that can happen. But for today....I am pregnant. And I can't even believe it. We've told my family and a few close friends who knew about the IUIs but we will wait a while before announcing it to the world. I never thought I would be here. I prayed for it. I was hopeful some days. But I never could quite picture the "Yes" moment.

My first two betas were good.

18 dpiui 948
21 dpiui 3127

I had my first ultrasound this morning. My doctor wanted me to come in before 7 weeks because my levels were so high and they thought it could be twins (it's not). We were able to see the little heart beat flickering on the screen. I go in again in a couple weeks.

I am still in a bit of shock. I am so thankful. And I know that God is so good to do this. That's the natural (and proper) reaction when something like this happens is to praise Him for His goodness. But the thing I have been thinking about the past week or so since I found out and the thing I wanted to share here is that God was good in our infertility too. He has BEEN good. He is good now...yes. He is faithful and gracious...yes. But He was also good in the pain and tears. He would have been good had His answer been No again. And He will still be good if God forbid something happen with this pregnancy. I feel like that is the lesson He taught me all these years of going through this, is that He is good. No matter what. And He is enough. I can trust Him. And yes, this is easier to say now than it was then. But this is the hard truth of the gospel. God is good in times of blessing and in times of heartache.

It is hard to get out of this infertility-state-of-mind and be truly excited because of all that could happen. But I read something in my Beth Moore study last week that was so timely:

"God cares about you! He wants to show you what He can do with your life and your negative conditions, but He wants you to know without a doubt the He alone is the author of reversals. Wait like a watchman on the wall and when the first sign of reversal comes, don't dream of calling it a coincidence. Raise the roof with praise and ask the One who has begun a good work in you to complete it! He is not only glorified in through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating. "

So day by day I will celebrate. And I will never for one second forget this journey or those who still walk it. It has got to be one of the hardest things a woman has to bear and I am forever marked by my time here. My prayer is that God would use this for His glory. That maybe, through the heartache, you would be encouraged by this  (though I know sometimes it's just impossible to feel good about someone else's pregnancy. Totallllly get it). My prayer is that He would finish the work He's begun in each of us.

So for now, I am taking things a day at a time. Being thankful for each moment of nausea and each reminder that this is real. He is faithful. He can move mountains. Praise you, Lord.

" You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever." 

Psalm 30:11-12

Resoloution

I texted with my friend yesterday and things seem to be resolved. She said that she had announced it at her house on a night when she thought I was there but wasn't (?) and then it just didn't come  up and she figured I would ask when I was ready (also ??). But she did apologize and she realized that she messed up by not telling me. I was able to act waaaaaaay less upset than I actually was because in all honesty I didn't want to make her feel bad. She told me she was over thinking it and didn't want to be all in my face about it. To which I told her that I WANT to know the big things. I want to be involved. It is just hard for me to know what to ask. I told her the name she picked was beautiful and tried to be good friend about it. It still hurts a little. I just hope things are not awkward when I have to see her tonight :(

I know this is not a big deal. It's just not. But my hormones say it IS a big deal. Sometimes I just really hate what this IF journey is doing to me. There ARE a lot of benefits, as I am learning to surrender my will and be willing to ask for God's will instead. I am learning to be more compassionate. Sometimes, though, it seems like the bad outweighs the good. I know this isn't true. It just feels true sometimes.

A few more days left in my 2ww. I have got some major gas cramps (or something) going on! My tummy hates me right now. Trying to stay hopeful and at rest.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul for the LORD has been good to you." Ps 116:7

"May the God of Hope fill you up with joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you will overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Ps 139:12

So Frustrated

Granted, I have never been pregnant, but isn't it a special thing to announce your baby's name to your family and close friends? Isn't it common curtacy to tell your best friends what you are naming your child before putting it on say...pinterest? I get that my friend doesn't want to make a big to-do about announcing her baby's name. But I just feel kind of hurt that she didn't tell me. I know for a fact that she told some of her other close friends.

This is also a bit silly of me to be upset about, but before she got pregnant again she told me that if she had a girl she would name the middle name after me. And now she isn't. Fine. Whatever. But I wish she wouldn't have told me that. She may not even remember saying that to me as we had had a few drinks that night. But still...I know she was at least considering it. I don't give a rip if she doesn't name her baby after me at all. It's the fact that she told me she was going to.

As you can tell I am a little bit upset about it right now. I probably shouldn't be. But it just sucks because things between us had been going so well for the last couple of weeks. We have both had the year from hell and it's been a battle to maintain this friendship when the easy thing to do would be to go our separate ways. But I just feel as though she does not consider me her best friend anymore. She's had this baby's name picked out for over a week and has not told me. It just hurts my feelings. Maybe I just need to toughen up and not let it bother me. I KNOW I have to let it go or else it will eat me alive. I have worked so hard at being happy for her and fighting feelings of bitterness and jelousy and this just doesn't help. I just wonder what her thought process was. Was it
a.) she didn't want to upset me
b.) she didn't even think to tell me
c.) she just doesn't want to tell me because she thinks I won't react in an excited way

Now I don't really know what to do. Do I tell her that I found out? Do I wait for her to tell me and then act surprised? Or do I wait for her to tell me and tell her that I found out online? 

I don't know. What I do know is that my heart hurts.

I find out this weekend if IUI #3 was successful or not. At least I'll be at home again to grieve if it's a no.

sorry for the downer post!

Not My Will but Yours be Done

I left my phone in my car during my ultrasound appointment this morning or I would have taken a picture of the screen after my nurse left (the screen that shows the size and number of my little follies). I could not believe how many I had. Granted, a lot of them are on the small side, but still! Go follistim go. My nurse seemed pretty pleased with the results in between the awkward small talk during which she's inspecting my bajango.

magic wand goes in. nurse:  "So how was your weekend?"

me: "Oh...ya know...good. How was yours"

nurse: "Oh this looks good. This one's 14. Oh it was good I went and visited my fiance..."

Here are my folliles:

Rt 1   13.7

Rt 2   15.4

Rt 3     6.9

Rt 4   10.6

Lft 1      9.3

Lft 2    10.5

Lft 3    15.7

Lft 4      9.5

Lft 5      7.4

Lft 6    12.0

She said her guess is that we will continue meds for a few days and the IUI will probably be sometime soon. I said, "Yeah and I am only on day 10 too right?" and she said "no, day 12". But...for real...I'm on day 10. IDK how she got 12? Maybe she is confused. But I know for sure that I started my period 10 days ago. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter? Maybe when she calls I'll tell her.

Another thing. After writing that last woe is me post I talked to my nurse a little bit about being totally overwhelmed and devastated nervous about this being my "last chance IUI" and she seemed to make it sound like that was not the case at all. She said something about me being a long way from being done and that my doctor would never do anything or decide anything without talking to me first. She said that I don't need to be nervous and that we have a ways to go before IVF. But that confuses me because she told me last cycle that "Dr H. wants to do a couple of injectible cycles and if those are not successful then we will talk about IVF" So this is my second IUI with injectibles so in my mind this is it. The last cycle before they want me to move on. Now she tells me I am a long way from IVF? I just want to know what's next and right now I have no clue what is next if this cycle doesn't work. I guess only time will tell. I imagine we will have a consultation?

Well, it is a beautiful day here in the south. I pray God sustains me through this IUI cycle and that He will be glorified no matter what the outcome. Praying and hoping for the impossible while also praying for God's will and surrendering all things to Him...that's a hard thing to balance. But that's my prayer...

It's this:

"God is not intimidated by our long shot request but is insulted when we do not ask Him to do things worthy of His divine nature..."

Coupled with this:

"Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done."

God, opening my womb may be a long shot request. Asking you to allow me to bear a healthy living child may seem impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult or impossible for you. I ask you for a baby, Lord. But I also want your will more than anything. And you know what is best for me and my family. I ask you in faith knowing you are able, but knowing the miracle may come in a way I do not expect. I ask you for this IUI to be our time. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

IUI #2 is a No

I am one cycle away from my doctor telling me it is time to consider IVF. I  have mixed emotions about this. My natural reaction is to feel devastated and overwhelmed. But the Spirit inside my heart tells me to be quiet and trust. To rest. It's so hard not to give in to the hurt and the pain. I was sort of hopeful for this cycle simply because I was so dag-um nauseated like every day. I guess the good news is that I started on time. And I started on Satruday which gave me plenty of time to grieve and cry all day.  I had 30 day cycle which is nice. I am afraid I may have a cyst but if I do I guess that's just God's way of giving me a break. We know the RE wants to try "a couple of injectible cycles" so I have one more. I do not know what he will say at the consultation if this next cycle is unsuccessful. I don't feel ready to  be at this point. I'm not ready to accept the end of our treatment journey. I'm not ready to stop trying. But IVF is out of our financial reach. We are lucky (blessed) to even be able to do these IUIs. I just can't believe it has come to this. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this place. Facing the painful day when my doctor tells me there is no hope.

Of course I know that God is not limited by my body or by this "one last shot". I know he can do the impossible. It's just hard to be in this place. It's hard to accept that I may never conceive my own child. But I know that what God is asking me to do is to surrender that dream to him. He wants me to willingly accept all he gives me and all he choses to withhold. If it is "over" I know he has something better planned. But right now it's just hard to see what could be better than bearing my own child. I know He is faithful. I know He will bring beauty from these ashes. And when I am resting in Him I can see that. It's hard to remain in that place though and not be carried away by this darkness. To a scary place of death and sorrow. But thankfully the dark is light to Him. I know He is good. He is good.

This is my memory verse right now:

" Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence." Hosea 6:1-3

Waiting for the day.