Not My Will but Yours be Done

I left my phone in my car during my ultrasound appointment this morning or I would have taken a picture of the screen after my nurse left (the screen that shows the size and number of my little follies). I could not believe how many I had. Granted, a lot of them are on the small side, but still! Go follistim go. My nurse seemed pretty pleased with the results in between the awkward small talk during which she's inspecting my bajango.

magic wand goes in. nurse:  "So how was your weekend?"

me: "Oh...ya know...good. How was yours"

nurse: "Oh this looks good. This one's 14. Oh it was good I went and visited my fiance..."

Here are my folliles:

Rt 1   13.7

Rt 2   15.4

Rt 3     6.9

Rt 4   10.6

Lft 1      9.3

Lft 2    10.5

Lft 3    15.7

Lft 4      9.5

Lft 5      7.4

Lft 6    12.0

She said her guess is that we will continue meds for a few days and the IUI will probably be sometime soon. I said, "Yeah and I am only on day 10 too right?" and she said "no, day 12". But...for real...I'm on day 10. IDK how she got 12? Maybe she is confused. But I know for sure that I started my period 10 days ago. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter? Maybe when she calls I'll tell her.

Another thing. After writing that last woe is me post I talked to my nurse a little bit about being totally overwhelmed and devastated nervous about this being my "last chance IUI" and she seemed to make it sound like that was not the case at all. She said something about me being a long way from being done and that my doctor would never do anything or decide anything without talking to me first. She said that I don't need to be nervous and that we have a ways to go before IVF. But that confuses me because she told me last cycle that "Dr H. wants to do a couple of injectible cycles and if those are not successful then we will talk about IVF" So this is my second IUI with injectibles so in my mind this is it. The last cycle before they want me to move on. Now she tells me I am a long way from IVF? I just want to know what's next and right now I have no clue what is next if this cycle doesn't work. I guess only time will tell. I imagine we will have a consultation?

Well, it is a beautiful day here in the south. I pray God sustains me through this IUI cycle and that He will be glorified no matter what the outcome. Praying and hoping for the impossible while also praying for God's will and surrendering all things to Him...that's a hard thing to balance. But that's my prayer...

It's this:

"God is not intimidated by our long shot request but is insulted when we do not ask Him to do things worthy of His divine nature..."

Coupled with this:

"Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done."

God, opening my womb may be a long shot request. Asking you to allow me to bear a healthy living child may seem impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult or impossible for you. I ask you for a baby, Lord. But I also want your will more than anything. And you know what is best for me and my family. I ask you in faith knowing you are able, but knowing the miracle may come in a way I do not expect. I ask you for this IUI to be our time. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

IUI #2 is a No

I am one cycle away from my doctor telling me it is time to consider IVF. I  have mixed emotions about this. My natural reaction is to feel devastated and overwhelmed. But the Spirit inside my heart tells me to be quiet and trust. To rest. It's so hard not to give in to the hurt and the pain. I was sort of hopeful for this cycle simply because I was so dag-um nauseated like every day. I guess the good news is that I started on time. And I started on Satruday which gave me plenty of time to grieve and cry all day.  I had 30 day cycle which is nice. I am afraid I may have a cyst but if I do I guess that's just God's way of giving me a break. We know the RE wants to try "a couple of injectible cycles" so I have one more. I do not know what he will say at the consultation if this next cycle is unsuccessful. I don't feel ready to  be at this point. I'm not ready to accept the end of our treatment journey. I'm not ready to stop trying. But IVF is out of our financial reach. We are lucky (blessed) to even be able to do these IUIs. I just can't believe it has come to this. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this place. Facing the painful day when my doctor tells me there is no hope.

Of course I know that God is not limited by my body or by this "one last shot". I know he can do the impossible. It's just hard to be in this place. It's hard to accept that I may never conceive my own child. But I know that what God is asking me to do is to surrender that dream to him. He wants me to willingly accept all he gives me and all he choses to withhold. If it is "over" I know he has something better planned. But right now it's just hard to see what could be better than bearing my own child. I know He is faithful. I know He will bring beauty from these ashes. And when I am resting in Him I can see that. It's hard to remain in that place though and not be carried away by this darkness. To a scary place of death and sorrow. But thankfully the dark is light to Him. I know He is good. He is good.

This is my memory verse right now:

" Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence." Hosea 6:1-3

Waiting for the day.

A Quiet Heart

There are so many ways to describe how painful infertility is and yet, often times, words seem to fall so very short. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head but I am almost at a loss. I feel like words don't even do it justice. I'm am thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us at times like this.  I have a long overdue talk planned tomorrow with the preggo bff. It’s been a rough month for both of us and the distance between us has increased significantly. I was thinking of what I need to say to her tomorrow and there are so many different things I could say. Do I explain in detail how hard it’s been? Do I use words like “perpetual heartache” or “my emotions are in shambles”? Do I explain about Femera? Do I tell her about wrestling with God’s sovereignty? Every time I try to think up something to say it just doesn't seem like enough. I know I can’t talk about my anger and bitterness towards her. That’s not her fault anyway and she doesn’t deserve to worry about my bitterness. So what is the most important thing to say? How does one decide what is best to say out of the millions of possibilities? Bottom line? The Holy Spirit has got some speaking to do through me! I just can't do it in my own strength. That's all there is to it. He is going to have to lead me and I am going to have to give him full reign to do so. He has GOT to give me words that can heal and bring peace to this friendship that has been put through hell the past two years. My prayer yesterday (when I had to see her for the first time in a while) was just, "Do it Lord. Do it Lord. You have to be my words. You have to be everything."

These are things I thought about as I read Scripture this morning and read through a host of Elizabeth Elliot devos. That woman.  Good gracious. She is SO anointed. Praise God for her. She has a way of saying things straight to my soul and they just click.  What I came away with this morning was this strong desire to have a quiet heart. To have a quiet trust before the Lord that no matter what...even if He never gives me children that I will be ok, He is good, He is faithful, and He will take care of me.  Maybe that’s what I should say. I’m not sure. But of two things I am certain: 1. I will have a dozen fake conversations with her in my mind before then and 2. It will not be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my mind. We just have to talk through some of the awkwardness. And we both love Jesus and want to love and serve each other so I know it will be ok. If he can calm the turbulent sea (see below) he can certainly calm my anxious heart and heal a deep friendship.

I will leave you with what I wish I had written: a few snippets from Ms. Elisabeth Elliot. I can’t wait to meet her in heaven.

“I have been watching the sea--very turbulent this morning because of a tropical storm
hundreds of miles away--and I remember Him whose word was enough to calm it. Speak that word to me today, dear Lord: peace. Let your calm spirit, through the many potentially rough minutes of
this day, in every task, say to my soul, Be still. Even this day's chaos, with all its clutter and exertion, will be ordered by your quiet power if my heart is subject to your word of peace. Thank You, Lord.

Jesus slept on a pillow in the midst of a raging storm. How could He? The terrified disciples, sure that the next wave would send them straight to the bottom, shook Him awake with rebuke. How could He be so careless of their fate? He could because He slept in the calm assurance that His Father was in control. His was a quiet heart. Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. Jesus in the unbroken intimacy of His Father's love, kept a quiet heart. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5 NIV). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned.  As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace. 

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV). Think of that promise and keep a quiet heart! Our enemy delights in disquieting us. Our Savior and Helper delights in quieting us. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" is His promise (Is 66:13, NIV). The choice is ours. It depends on our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers. The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.

We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man.”

Side note: if any of you have any advice for how to survive your best friend being pregnant (again) please let me know!!