Resoloution

I texted with my friend yesterday and things seem to be resolved. She said that she had announced it at her house on a night when she thought I was there but wasn't (?) and then it just didn't come  up and she figured I would ask when I was ready (also ??). But she did apologize and she realized that she messed up by not telling me. I was able to act waaaaaaay less upset than I actually was because in all honesty I didn't want to make her feel bad. She told me she was over thinking it and didn't want to be all in my face about it. To which I told her that I WANT to know the big things. I want to be involved. It is just hard for me to know what to ask. I told her the name she picked was beautiful and tried to be good friend about it. It still hurts a little. I just hope things are not awkward when I have to see her tonight :(

I know this is not a big deal. It's just not. But my hormones say it IS a big deal. Sometimes I just really hate what this IF journey is doing to me. There ARE a lot of benefits, as I am learning to surrender my will and be willing to ask for God's will instead. I am learning to be more compassionate. Sometimes, though, it seems like the bad outweighs the good. I know this isn't true. It just feels true sometimes.

A few more days left in my 2ww. I have got some major gas cramps (or something) going on! My tummy hates me right now. Trying to stay hopeful and at rest.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul for the LORD has been good to you." Ps 116:7

"May the God of Hope fill you up with joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you will overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Ps 139:12

Not My Will but Yours be Done

I left my phone in my car during my ultrasound appointment this morning or I would have taken a picture of the screen after my nurse left (the screen that shows the size and number of my little follies). I could not believe how many I had. Granted, a lot of them are on the small side, but still! Go follistim go. My nurse seemed pretty pleased with the results in between the awkward small talk during which she's inspecting my bajango.

magic wand goes in. nurse:  "So how was your weekend?"

me: "Oh...ya know...good. How was yours"

nurse: "Oh this looks good. This one's 14. Oh it was good I went and visited my fiance..."

Here are my folliles:

Rt 1   13.7

Rt 2   15.4

Rt 3     6.9

Rt 4   10.6

Lft 1      9.3

Lft 2    10.5

Lft 3    15.7

Lft 4      9.5

Lft 5      7.4

Lft 6    12.0

She said her guess is that we will continue meds for a few days and the IUI will probably be sometime soon. I said, "Yeah and I am only on day 10 too right?" and she said "no, day 12". But...for real...I'm on day 10. IDK how she got 12? Maybe she is confused. But I know for sure that I started my period 10 days ago. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter? Maybe when she calls I'll tell her.

Another thing. After writing that last woe is me post I talked to my nurse a little bit about being totally overwhelmed and devastated nervous about this being my "last chance IUI" and she seemed to make it sound like that was not the case at all. She said something about me being a long way from being done and that my doctor would never do anything or decide anything without talking to me first. She said that I don't need to be nervous and that we have a ways to go before IVF. But that confuses me because she told me last cycle that "Dr H. wants to do a couple of injectible cycles and if those are not successful then we will talk about IVF" So this is my second IUI with injectibles so in my mind this is it. The last cycle before they want me to move on. Now she tells me I am a long way from IVF? I just want to know what's next and right now I have no clue what is next if this cycle doesn't work. I guess only time will tell. I imagine we will have a consultation?

Well, it is a beautiful day here in the south. I pray God sustains me through this IUI cycle and that He will be glorified no matter what the outcome. Praying and hoping for the impossible while also praying for God's will and surrendering all things to Him...that's a hard thing to balance. But that's my prayer...

It's this:

"God is not intimidated by our long shot request but is insulted when we do not ask Him to do things worthy of His divine nature..."

Coupled with this:

"Take what I give you; be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your lifelong prayer: Thy will be done."

God, opening my womb may be a long shot request. Asking you to allow me to bear a healthy living child may seem impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult or impossible for you. I ask you for a baby, Lord. But I also want your will more than anything. And you know what is best for me and my family. I ask you in faith knowing you are able, but knowing the miracle may come in a way I do not expect. I ask you for this IUI to be our time. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."